Communication Crisis Control for Surrogates: Part Two
Posted Oct 21 2008 12:20am
In part one I wrote about how to control the amount of contact that you have with IP's who are too overbearing for their own good. (or yours for that matter) What about the Intended Parents who NEVER call...who seem never to be home or available...who don't seem to take much of an interest in their pregnancy or you at all. I am going to repeat here what the IP's have been through: Most IP's (and I will just refer to the heterosexual couples here for now) have been trying for YEARS to have a baby. They have tried naturally, IUI, IVF, GIFT and ZIFT.Infertility Answers, LLC - What are GIFT and ZIFT?Perhaps they even managed to get pregnant, several times, but miscarried or had a stillbirth or gave birth to a baby who only lived hours because of birth defects....maybe a disease is involved such as cancer or endometriosis. Whatever the case, they have been through a hell of a lot to bring them to trusting some other woman to carry their baby.
Because of the years of disappointment and loss they have crawled into a safe, protective shell and are determined not to be hurt again. In doing this they are not building a relationship with you, their surrogate, or bonding with the pregnancy. If you are not happy with this 'hands off' approach then it's up to you to make it easier for them to communicate with you. You may want to contact your agency for advice but if you are in this surrogacy arrangement independently then you will have to make the first move alone. I suggest that you start with e-mailing them with your current status...how you are feeling, what was said at the last appointment, when the next appointment will be and what you expect to have happen at that time. If you feel that they could make the next appointment then I would invite them to attend. I would tell them that you would like to talk with them...or the IM or IF at some point...you can then perhaps set up regular times to talk. Mention that as the birth gets closer there will be hospital arrangements to be made and that you want them to know what to expect. (who will be in the room with you during the labor or C-section etc.) Some IP's won't warm up to the fact that they are about to become parents until they are sure the pregnancy is viable which is around 25 weeks or so...Understanding their fears here is the key.
Granted you are going to find that there are some Intended Parents out there that are just looking for a business deal and that is all it will ever mean to them. It's up to you to find out before you sign that contract what type of people you want to work with. Asking the right questions and taking the time to get to know them is worth the wait. Further more, if you are being matched through an agency they should be able to tell you exactly what the IP's are looking for in a relationship.
I will be revisiting relationship issues in the future but for now....communication is the top priority for everyone involved!