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Anticipation

Posted May 04 2009 5:26pm
On Friday we got more good news on the hormone front. After cutting out estrogen support entirely my hormone levels came back higher than they were when I was on support! (Up to 862 from 739). And the progesterone level stayed the same (31.4) even though I had cut my progesterone support in half. So we are staying off of estrogen support and we are done monitoring estrogen levels and Saturday night was my "last" Endometrin, we will check the progesterone level tomorrow morning and if all looks well, I will have weaned off of hormone support at 6 weeks. Although scary for me, this is good news.

And if you're paying attention ... tomorrow is our first ultrasound. After so many things going well, many people think that:
1.) I'm ecstatic to be pregnant
2.) I am hopeful

... now don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful to be pregnant, but I've been here before, and because of that - I'm scared that this one will end like all the others before it. I do want to be hopeful, but I have such major trust issues. I have such a hard time not thinking that everything is going to come crashing down around me - that's how I feel in life in general, imagine how it must feel in this circumstance!

Berilac and I had a long conversation this weekend. Berilac was really thinking that I had been lifted out of my depression (for lack of a better term) and while it's true that my emotional state has lightened dramatically, I'm still not "happy" or "back to my old self" ... if anything, I'm struggling to stay hopeful as the days pass after good hormone results and I try my best not to think that yes the recent hormone results were good, but TODAY (2-3 days past the last good hormone level results) ... the worst is happening - but it's hard. In our conversation we realized that I look at this experience as one long running 3 year heartache and Berilac looks at each instance (each pregnancy and each treatment) as a seperate event, and this "event" is going well, so he's excited.

I want to be hopeful, but I'm scared ... and for good reason. I've been burned before.

When the nurses told me that my second beta was great and that my ultrasound would be scheduled for 6 and a half week check-in on Cinco de Mayo I thought ... how am I ever going to make it to May 5th before getting an ultrasound? And of course, the days at work DRAGGED by. The weekends provided a much needed break from the slow motion experience of 9 to 5. Then I wake up this morning to realize that the ultrasound is tomorrow... and I'm practically having a panic attack, today can't go by slow enough ... I don't want to go to an ultrasound tomorrow! What if we get horrible news? When we had first learned of our Tuesday appointment, Berilac and I had toyed with the idea of postponing the ultrasound until Friday (as we've never gotten good news at an ultrasound and it's much easier to be alone when you're dealing with difficult news like a poor ultrasound rather than at work) but then we realized that we'd rather know sooner than later if things weren't going well - so we've kept our Cinco de Mayo appointment.

When I think of our appointment tomorrow, I'm not excited ... I'm terrified. The anticipation is grueling ... I think I'll go back to work and pretend like nothing is going on ... (visualize me: plugging ears and humming "la, la, la, la, la, la, ...") ... yeah, denial and distraction ... nobody can compete with these rock solid coping mechanisms.
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