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And now I'm terrified!

Posted Oct 22 2008 4:51pm

So all day long today I was thinking maybe, just maybe, the line was so faint on the test I took yesterday that I just couldn't see it. This thought haunted me.

I always save my negative tests for a day. Why?, you may ask. Because I have in fact took a test, had it be negative, thrown it in a drawer, only to see it be positive the next day. Sure, whine at me about evaporation lines and how reading a test after its allotted time frame is up can give you false hope if you must, but my tests have never been anything other than completely accurate the next day. Faint lines are easier to see when the test is completely dried out anyway.

So I looked at yesterdays test and there may have been a line. Or not. It really could have been. Or maybe not so much. I honestly couldn't tell. I actually went looking for a flashlight. Couldn't find one. Finally decided I was insane and threw yesterdays test away.

The haunting didn't end there. I still wondered as the dreaded period still hadn't shown. No spotting, nothing. I am just on the verge of entering day 31 of this cycle. Sure, it could just be a long cycle. But I've never had one in 17 months of trying. I am extremely regular. The only time I have longer cycles is after a miscarriage. The longest one lasted 33 days. That includes the actual miscarriage. My body so wants to do this. I have 28 day cycles. Maybe 27, maybe 29. Nothing else. Ever.

So I was in the process of forcing myself to wait until tomorrow to test again when I got a comment from Nikole, who I love. She has left me wonderful comments since I started this blog and, well, I just had the need to share my gratitude. Anyway, she mentioned that perhaps my levels just weren't high enough to show on the test yet. That was all I needed. A teensy push to test again. So I did.

I took the test and it was negative. Or maybe not. I took it into the light. I swore I maybe saw something, probably. I went looking for the flashlight again. Found the husband. He looked. He claims he did in fact see a line. It was faint. Like ridiculous faint. I start shaking.

*This is not my test, just the exact same test with the exact same faint line that I found on the internet*

I still am shaking as I type this. Since the test is a little drier (I took it about a 1/2 hour ago) I can see the line a little better without squinting. It's definitely a line. It's just so damn faint. So yes, I am pregnant.

But I am so fucking terrified. Why? Because the god damned line is so faint. Not only am I worried about miscarriages weeks down the line, but now I'm worried about a chemical pregnancy. That's one I haven't had yet.

The husband is being good about this. He's left me alone so I can vent here rather than lose my mind. He wants me to go get tested at the doctors on Friday. I explained I owe the doctor money and don't have insurance now. He says he'll set up a payment plan and pay for the visit with his paycheck on Friday. I claim they won't take me right away. He claims that since I've gone through 2 miscarriages in the last 8 months with them, they probably will. He's probably right. And maybe they'll write the insurance a note so I can get back on Medicaid and not have to go to the clinic or pay for an ultrasound out of pocket to prove my pregnant state so they will actually insure me.

I can't stop looking at the damn test.

Anyway, I need to go put myself to bed or I'll be up all night worrying. I need some rest so that I can test with first morning urine anyway in the hopes of getting a darker line and making myself feel better.

@@@To my "real life" friends and family@@@
I know some of you read this blog. I appreciate you're interest in my drama and love the fact that you don't feel the need to have awkward conversations with me about the things I write here. I real truly need you to continue with that now. I'm not telling anyone in "real life" for a decent amount of time, especially until I figure out what is going on with the faint lines. I know you are probably excited for me, especially if you are one of the numerous pregnant friends I have right now and want me to join in your pregnancy buddy thing pregnant ladies like to do. And dude, I am so there. Just not right now. I'm fragile. So tell whomever you want. Just don't tell me you know. And for god sake's act surprised and thrilled for me when I do tell you. Thank you.

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