I have figured out something over the last couple of days that I never really noticed before then. Since we decided to try again I have been trying to jump back into the infertility community but I am finding it to be extremely difficult. I wondered why that was for more than a few days and the light turned on in my head while I was watching DWTS (Don’t ask me what a dance competition has to do with it because I truly don’t have a clue).
This journey is so incredibly personal that we take along with us those people who we have bonded to from the realization that infertility is a very real possibility and everything that happens beyond that point. Some even begin their journey together from the beginning of trying to concieve with support (meaning finding a fertility forum, baby forum, etc to talk about all those hopes and expectations).
I don’t feel comfortable jumping into anyone else’s life at this point. I love reading and following with the ladies at Loungeplace- since most of us have traveled the same road for quite sometime. I tried to get on my old board at fertilityfriend- but most of the women there now I can’t even seem to relate to anymore. I can honestly say that the point where I am isn’t where most of them are at- and at my point I do not have the ability to be fully vested in adding my opinions to a whole new group of people. Which is why I think I am not feeling the love in other groups where women have been trying for two three or even four years… most of them I don’t know and I honestly feel like an intruder- which I think it is a testiment of two things: The strength system of support they have created for themselves, and the system of support that I myself once felt fully apart of.
It is a really wierd kind of limbo.
I also realized yesterday that I can count on my hands how many of us are still dealing with this whole childless thing- which I am both extremely glad of and extremely sad for myself about.
At this point I am sure you are wondering why in the world “Age” is mentioned in the title of this particular posting and why I was thinking so much about group dynamic in the first place.
Well here is the thing: In my browsing yesterday I came across a post where a woman who is considered AMG (advanced maternal age) was venting frustration about a woman she saw in the RE’s office. She was wondering why she was there since she was so young (apparently aged 26- like myself) and made the prediction that this younger woman would have an “easier” time of it than she (AMG lady). My initial reaction (being honest here folks) was a very distinct negative. It was sharp like the tip of a knife. It was fleeting but I felt it just the same. I typed out a whole reply and then I didn’t post it. Why? Well, for the reasons I stated at the beginning of this post- I just wasn’t comfortable sharing- knowing that this woman had no idea who I was or what we’ve gone through. It would mean nothing if this was in my group of ladies because even if they don’t agree with me I know they will still be there to support me.
What would have showed up if I had posted that reaction? Something along the lines of we started this journey since I was 22! Prepping for this journy started six months previous to that- finances, health, etc. This year will be 5 years. For all that time I have dealt with the questions, the innuendo’s, the blatant assumptions of why we haven’t had children. We haven’t “tried” this past year but we did hope. Every cycle we hoped that maybe the odds at this point would work in our favor- and everytime we’ve come out on the side of the minority. The pain has nothing to do with age folks- it has everything to do with experience.
It has been said countless times in our community- there isn’t a pain Olympics. The journey is as unique as is the couple- as is the individuals in the relationship even. I am not saying it was wrong of AMG lady to have those thoughts because we have all had uncharitable thoughts about what our perception of everyone else’s journey must be. No, indeed. There certainly are no saints in the infertility community! No Saints, but rather just strong women who are trying so hard for what they want- and sometimes becomeweak.
In that particular thread- I did not contribute but I saw the support for the AMG lady. That is why I didn’t say my piece- I just saved it for here.
How is this cycle going? BLEH is the word. OPK’s are most definitely negative now. No more weird pains or twinges- but my temps are not supporting an ovulation.
Surprised? Not really.
But dang this disappointment hurts. I thought before that finally being able to start a medicated cycle would mean that I would be starting all over again- but with an air of caution. All I’ve really done is just pick up from where I left off with all the bitterness. Screaming at the world in my head.
I dare say: screaming at God for no other reason than to place the blame some where. Is that bad? It feels like it is but in all honestly I don’t believe so. Aren’t we supposed to “cast our cares upon Him”? Yep.
I am most definitely not in a good place, but I am not scraping the bottom of the barrel. In the interest of honesty: I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Does that mean I am going uphill or do I still have some ways to fall…