I have continued to enjoy the possibility of trying again with my eggs. Even though I haven't given it a lot of detailed thought, the idea has given me a bit of a lift. I figured, worst case scenario, that my milk would dry up and we wouldn't get pregnant. I think that it is a risk I am willing to take because LB doesn't need to nurse for nutritional reasons and maybe she will continue to nurse for comfort even if there is very little milk. Plus, I just can't believe that would happen to me. Of course, I didn't believe I would have trouble conceiving either.
This morning I asked Brad what his worst case scenario was. He was afraid it would work with my eggs but then we would have a messed up kid. I told him I would call my OB (aka Dr. Wonderful) and get his take.
Dr. W said the risk of abnormal chromosomes in someone my age is about 1 in 30 (excluding early miscarriages). That sounds high, but 97 normal chromosome babies out of 100 doesn't sound too risky. Then there is the fact that we made a normal chromosome baby who was still non compatible with life (which to me is preferable than raising a severely messed up kid - call me selfish).
The fact that ruined my beautiful theory was what Dr. Wonderful said next. If we are so lucky to have one embryo implant (15% for DE embryo . . . next to zero for one of mine), we won't know who's child it is. Obvious, but I had only considered the impact to that child . . . should we get DNA analysis - that sort of thing. Dr. W. added that we wouldn't know what kind of risks we were looking at during pregnancy. I thought I would assume that it was Belinda's, but now I wonder if I would worry more about the health of the baby thinking that it might be mine. Clouds form too easily over my head. I don't want to add reasons to worry.
Sigh. I really didn't want this to be a big deal. Now I find that this good reason to not try again with my eggs has got me in a bit of a funk*. Clearly then, my emotional side wants to try again, which I suppose is good to know, but I don't exactly trust my emotional side to be a good judge or have the proper motivation.
Today is CD1 so I need to decide soon . . . but not just yet.
*This is a post-LB funk which is nothing compared to a pre -LB funk. We had a wonderful 2 hour stroll along the river this morning. We stopped and played with the wildflowers and pointed out birds. I told myself I wouldn't depend on having a baby to make me happier, but I am.