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29 weeks 5 days: Still pregnant and still emotional

Posted May 12 2009 6:16pm
At least I seem to be at a new stage of emotional. Now, instead of just crying over the past, I cry about the future too.

I still have those moments when I am just sad for what we have been through. I still feel the pain of the years, multiple failed cycles, the pregnancies that almost made us parents, and the loss of my genetic connection. It seems that I am less often sad about using donor eggs than I have been, but that might be because I feel the need to suck it up with that very DE baby moving around all the time (can I say I continue to relish each and every movement?!).

As for the past, the letting go letter to my genetic baby I mentioned some months ago . . . still not done. I composed parts of it in my head which probably helped, but then I decided to take Niobe's advice (I think it was her) about some dreams not really going away. While I was doing all those IVF cycles, I imagined our Someday Baby(ies) off to the west (toward our clinic) existing in a parallel universe. While we had embryos growing, the connection would be stronger and when those embryos died they would be more completely in the parallel universe and less here in our universe, but we were still connected. I decided I like them hanging out there. I don't want to let them go. I don't think they will ever be fully in my universe, but this way we are still connected at some level. I can still acknowledge those 36 embryos and one baby who just didn't live long enough. I know it sounds crazy. It is really just head games because I don't believe in a spiritual realm or in life after death. But it makes me feel better and that is good enough for me.

I now also cry about the future. Why? Because I can almost believe in that baby being in our arms soon. More and more often little details pop into my mind and it is so overwhelmingly beautiful the tears just burst out. While Brad and I were looking at bike trailers last weekend, Brad was digging around in one, pointed out a little mesh pocket and matter-of-factly said, "LB's toys can go in here . . . " Suddenly I am in a busy REI trying not to completely lose it. Imagine! Us. With a baby! A baby with toys!!! Even now I am tearing up. Such hope! Such promise! Please, LB, stay alive and be healthy.

It continues to be an emotional roller coaster, but at least right now I can blame pregnancy hormones. I am looking forward to the day when I start to feel more like myself again. I imagine being happy in a way I haven't been in many years. Do you think it could be that good (assuming this pregnancy works out) or do you think I am fooling myself? I have told myself over the last couple of years that I can't expect a child to make me happy - that is my responsibility not a brand new baby's. Yet, isn't it easier to be happy when life is working out closer to the way you want it to? I think it is.
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