(Photo Shot: Hui - My Elder Daugther; Certainly One Who’s Thinking Beautiful Thoughts)
It was near evening. I waved at the security guard, hoping to catch his attention so that he can push the button to move the barrier up, for my car to pass. He was sitting inside the guardhouse and looked over the window.
This is odd, I thought. He seemed to be wearing a worried look. Is he afraid that my car will knock his post? Because of the fronting of the gate, I had to negotiate a slight swerve before my car could reach to the side of his post. Why is he not letting my car pass through quickly, I wondered.
I became alert of my emotions and started to scan my mind. “No…no…..I am not feeling irritated at him”, I thought to myself, “I am merely experiencing exhaustion”. In a minute or two, he did hit the button to lift the barrier. I reverse parked my car gingerly, next to my husband’s Volvo and took the elevator to my apartment on the second floor.
On reaching home, I was glad to find my kids playing happily together. I did not stay to play with them but head straight for my bedroom. I crashed out for one hour.
When I came round, I settled my kids for dinner and read them their bedtime stories. It seemed forever for I continued to feel tired. I sat down in front of my PC and went on to a couple of websites.
Now…what am I going to write for today’s post?
My mind continued to stay blank.
So I decided to do what I sometimes do; that is to tune in, to find out what inspiration hits me.
For a while, I became desperate, trying hard to rack my brains. Then, I remembered that this was the worst thing to do. Ideas are never going to come forth at a time like this.
I decided to just get in touch with the exhaustion that I am experiencing.
Daily Awareness of The Mind
My exhaustion had risen from the session I just had with my coach. I have been seeing her once again, on a weekly basis; and it has been going on for the past 3 weeks. I have been putting myself on a new assignment, which required me to investigate deeply into some of my negative emotions (that continued to remain stuck).
Up until 3 weeks ago, I have worked mostly on obvious and major emotions. If you do not already know this, emotions can be layers deep. Work is needed to strip layer-by-layer the dense energy that have been shrouding our mind from clarity, peace and happiness.
For my assignment, I was to be intimately aware of any discomfort, nuances or negative thought in my mind. You see….I’ve always had the tendency to stuff a lot of anger, frustration, worry inside and allowing them to build up. The whole aim of the exercise is to acknowledge my inner thoughts, face my fears and actually deal with them.
Just try practising awareness of the mind the whole day and not just in meditation, and you will realise that it takes tremendous effort. That was exactly what happened. To be aware of my thoughts, I had to become intimately connected to my inner emotions. They may be triggered by a security guard’s look, remarks from an friend or just something that my husband said. For each slight raise in temperature or “Zzzz” that I feel, I would write them down for study. It turned out that most of the stuff that I took note of came from my relationships with people I am close to.
A Dictionary of Negative Emotions
The funny thing was that I would assume that these little jolts meant nothing. The events are by themselves not major. But when I brought my notes to see my coach and under her skillful guidance, we managed to unearth a whole string of emotions from my subconscious mind….(I’m copying only some of them down here from my notes)….
Just about any negative emotion in the dictionary. You name it - I’ve dug them up!
In fact, what transpired were that a lot of these emotions were triggered from earlier events. This meant having to work on childhood memories. Amazingly, a number of past life ones got triggered as well. I had stored many of the emotions from traumas, carrying them in my Soul until now.
Boy…was it painful! During today’s session, for instance, I was in tears at times and at others, I refused to let go of what I felt. My refusal came from righteous anger. I identified so much with what I felt that it became part of my identity. Letting go would mean giving up a part of myself, I reasoned. In a moment of insanity, I even got angry with my coach for “making me lose a part of myself”.
She went on to tell me that I could not change facts of what had happened in the past. But there were better ways of chanelling my negative energy. She said that I could do much to help women who were suffering and had problems in being authentic. That sank in well! I resonated with the idea. In what seemed like eternity, I finally let go of the heavy load of righteous anger.
I was advised that it would take 21 days for my emotions to settle. Noting my exhaustion, she also reminded me to consume an isotonic drink to charge up for loss of electrolytes. (Ohhhh…maybe that it is why I have not quite recovered from my exhaustion…. there was none left in my fridge when I got home……no wonder!)
With regards to the level of consciousness, through the 3 weeks, I also found out that I had moved up from some of the baser emotions, past the state of “pride” (the state that is a lot on the Ego) and onto a state of indifference. Much like what Albert from Urban Monk described in his post. (Perhaps, I would write about these states in another post). Going forward, the states will be much into spiritual enhancement and growth.
Taking a step back now, I’m amazed what I’ve written in the past hour. I do realise that my post may not garner me that many votes on social media sites. However, through today’s post, I hope to share a glimpse of where I’m currently at in my own personal growth. Behind the scenes, I’m also working on myself; not just superficially but deeply.
It would appear possible to go about in life, without having to investigate so deeply into emotions. Most of us do not do much contemplation anyway; time is spent more on chasing material wealth or success. Many of the personal development experts field would also very much prefer to work on telling you the good parts of what to do such as making positive affirmations, goal setting or following your dreams.
Well….I prefer to take an alternate view. I cannot be a better coach or mentor to others, without working on myself deeply. I will not be doing my part, if I do not show that growth means really looking into our own fears in the face and cutting our ties with them for good.
On a personal front, I am committed to making changes at a Soul level. I needed to close the chapters at Source, that have been haunting me. In fact, I believe that these energetic imprints have been lowering my vibrations. I am in a journey as much as anyone else but my intent is to grow in leaps and bounds. One thing has been happening for sure, from such intensive work….I am beginning to have the first taste of clarity; a clearness that comes from within. The insights are just so profound that they are often very difficult to describe in words.
If you would like to read more from my own personal notes in emotional and spiritual healing, then do me a favor; let me know in the comments below. Oh…and do help me by bookmarking this post on your favorite social media sites….Much Thanks…!!
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