Care-giving gets sad: family members and friends turn cold
Posted Apr 17 2009 12:36am
It is not easy to be a care-giver 24/7. Sure, we got the "Easter Reprieve" from family member (my brother and his oldest daughter).
And as patient advocates and care-givers, when you have those precious few moments of peace and respite . . . savor them. They definitely do not last.
For the last two days (wasn't Easter this past Sunday?), I have been IMHO disrespected by my otherwise caring brother. My brother was offended by the post I wrote about "Easter respite" because I was too harsh on my mom's brother.
I invite all of you to re-read that post. You'll have a tough time even finding the reference.
I believe that one common experience with cancer patients is that they lose friends and family member and find great new ones! Cancer is a strange bird. It changes people. Some people hear their friends have cancer and they immediately feel uncomfortable. Perhaps the person (or family member) is afraid that the cancer patient will be depressing or sickly or needy.
Both cancer patients and care-givers get hopes up and get exhausted. They are not always "themselves." Many friends and family members prefer their lives to be "less messy."
Not only does my brother dislike the fact that I blog about the personal issue of cancer . . . . denial? But now he is non-supportive in other regards. Maybe it will pass. Or maybe the fact that he now understands dad has Stage 4 Cancer will mean that dad's life is getting "too messy."
I could not even care less if my brother communicates and purports to be supportive of me. All I expect and demand is that he be supportive, caring and loving for his mom and very sick dad.
There is something comforting in knowing that I can "out" anyone who behaves inappropriately. Although I never blogged with my mom's brother's identifying information . . . I will "out" my brother without a bit of hesitation - not a nanosecond of hesitation is he hurts my mom or dad. That's a fact.
My mom may be close to losing her husband. No one gets any lee-way to play her or my dad.
FOR THE REST OF YOU: Accept the fact that some friends (and maybe even family) simply cannot handle cancer or serious illness or injury. Maybe for a short while or maybe forever, these people will be absent from your life. Try very hard to not take it personally. (You may cry - it will be hard.) You need to focus on care-giving and getting healthy. Redirect your energy to resuming a healthy life (lives).
Embrace the people who knock on your door. The people who email you and call and visit ---- they are beautiful souls. They are God's angles and you need to be the recipient of the goodness as much as they need to be comforting.