The Craigslist Congressman Goes Down. So to Speak.
Posted Feb 10 2011 1:46pm
Gosh. It sure is boring being a Republican Congressman from Western New York . What’s a fella supposed to do when he’s down in DC and the wife and kids are up there in in Amherst!
I know! I’ll cruise the sex ads on Craigslist ! I’m a handsome, fit, married fella! Betcha I get lucky! What could POSSIBLY go wrong.
Ah! Here’s one in the “Women seeking Men” section. It says, “Will someone prove to me not all CL men look like toads?” Well, I certainly don’t look like a toad. A salamander or the GEICO Gecko perhaps. But not a toad. What else is she looking for?
Oho! She wants someone who is financially and emotionally secure! Well, I’m a Congressman so the first part — check! And I’m CERTAINLY emotionally-secure enough to be cheating on my wife… so… let’s send a little note. See what happens.
Hmm… better lie about my age and job. A 39-year old lobbyist sounds better than a 46-year old congressman.
Hope I’m not a toad. i’m a very fit fun classy guy. Live in Cap Hill area. 6ft 190lbs blond/blue. 39.. Lobbyist. I promise not to disappoint.
And I’ll send this nice photo of me wearing light slacks and a blue polo shirt.
OK, now to wait for an answer. Oooh! Here it is!
Are you sure that’s not a photo from a Jcpenney ad?
Hah! I’ll “ JCPenny ” HER! Heh! Better take another photo. Let’s get this shirt off, whip out the Blackberry, look in the mirror and FLASH!
OK, add it to this message…
Lol…no…Here.. I just took one..i’m relaxing at home.
Heh. The “Lol” shows I’m young and know the hip lingo the kids use. And the photo speaks for itself! She’ll LIKE that, or else I’m not a philandering pro-family GOP congressman from Western New York!
OK, here’s her response.
Thanks…so do you always send shirtless pics to women from cl?
OK, which way do I take that? Was she offended by the shirtlessness, was it too much of a come-on? Better think of something. Think, think, think… Ah!
Sorry. Its all I had.
Let’s hope that works. Oh, wait… a response.
I was only joking
EXCELLENT! She’s a SLUT! Time to steer this conversation into a SEXY direction.
So when was your lasat date. And how did it go?
Oooops! I misspelled “last.” Oh well. I AM a Republican. Here’s her reply.
A few weeks ago with a coworker’s cousin..and it didn’t go . I wanted to leave after 10 min…yours?
Yay! She wants to know about MY last date. Play it cool, Chris. Let the fishie play with the bait…
Lol. last Monday.. She was not as advertised. Lol.. how do people think you aren’t going to figure it out once you see them in person.
Heh! I used “Lol” TWICE in the same response, AND a smiley face! Almost time to set the hook…
Here’s her reply…
They’re hoping you’ll let it slide.
Are you divorced?
OK, I hate it when they ask that. I hate to have to lie to people. Why can’t people just be people and meet and enjoy each other without bringing MARRIAGE into it. Oh well…
Yes.. one child.. You?
OK, hit “Send” and wait.
Hmmm…. no response. Wait a minute… is my actual name on this thing anywhere?
Fuck! My e-mail client posts my actual name right next to my e-mail address.
Well, let’s hope she’s not that bright, won’t do a Google check on me, find out that I’m actually a 46-year old married congressman who looks just like the shirtless guy in the photo, a fact that can easily be checked by going to my congressional website. No telling what a girl could do with something like that. She could send that stuff to a gossip site like that horrible Gawker.com and then, who knows WHAT could happen…
(Less than one month later)
Is that the phone?
Hello? Gawker? Hang on a minute, I’ll see if the Congressman can take your call.
Hello? Oh, I’m sorry. We must have been disconnected. Let me connect you to my, I mean, the congressman’s press secretary.
(In a deeper voice)
Hello. This is Congressman Lee’s Press Secretary. Gawker? You have what? And pictures? And the person that I, uh, the Congressman allegedly conversed with is talking? Um… well, we can’t possibly comment until you send us all the e-mails so the Congressman can validate them.
What do you mean, “He should know whether or not he chatted up a girl on Craigslist”? Do you know how BUSY the Congressman is, with “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” to support and gay rights to oppose and a woman’s right to choose her reproductive options to reject. How is the congressman supposed to remember every random girl that he…
Ah. Well, maybe someone hacked his account. Yes. That has to be the answer. Someone took his picture and photoshopped his head onto a shirtless guy and hacked his account to embarrass him. That’s right. The Congressman is happily married. The only time he or his wife posted something online was to sell old furniture when they changed the apartment they keep in DC.
(The Next Day…)
For Immediate Release: Wednesday, February 9, 2010
“It has been a tremendous honor to serve the people of Western New York. I regret the harm that my actions have caused my family, my staff and my constituents. I deeply and sincerely apologize to them all. I have made profound mistakes and I promise to work as hard as I can to seek their forgiveness.
“The challenges we face in Western New York and across the country are too serious for me to allow this distraction to continue, and so I am announcing that I have resigned my seat in Congress effective immediately.”