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Potty Emergency on the..

Posted Mar 04 2009 12:00am

Here’s ANOTHER reason why I hate my long commute to the office.  I’ve had “potty emergencies” in the past, but I have always been able to “hold on” until I get to the office.

Until today.

I kissed my wife goodbye at the usual time and got in the car for the 29-mile, 90-minute slog to the office.  I had just passed a rest area on I-95 south when I got the first, familiar indication that all was not well in the abdominal area.  But I was pretty sure I could tough it out.

By the time I got to the Beltway, I began to eye the trees on the side of the road, wondering if it would be possible for a large man to hide in the woods at rush hour if the need to do so arose.

Traffic inched along, and by the time I got to the exit for Highway 29 (five miles away from my eventual exit), the need was powerful.  I got on the shoulder and rushed to the exit.  There was a McDonald’s ahead as I strained to hold back the approaching horror.  There was also a red light.  I drove through it and got to the median separating northbound and southbound, then waited for traffic to ease and shot through to the parking lot.  I parked in the “drive thru” lane, right by the door, and hurried inside.

There was someone on the potty.  I must have groaned, cuz the guy said, “I’ll be done in a sec.”

“I hope so, because any second now I am going to have to do something that you will tell your kids about when you get home tonight,” I said — eying the urinal and wondering if it would be possible to clean up the mess I intended to make … or if I would even attempt to do so.

Thank God, the dude burst out of the stall, smiling, buttoning his fly.  I threw my coat to the floor, and… sweet relief.

For a little while.

I got back in the car and proceeded to the office.  By the time I got to MY exit, the need had returned.  Not quite as dire or drastic, but definitely there and urgent.

I got on the NIH campus, made my way to the office, parked the car, opened the door and stood up.

Squirt!

But just a little.  I hurried into the office, threw my coat onto the coat rack, and before I could even sit on the “convenience” — it rushed out of me like a hooker’s sins at confession.

I gave my undies a quick inspection. No harm, no foul.  Thank you, Jesus.

And how was YOUR day?

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