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Ooooh! Chelsea! Married!

Posted Aug 01 2010 5:38am

Ooooh!  got married.  It was the wedding of the summer.

No.  The wedding of the decade.

No.  The wedding of the CENTURY!

No.  The wedding of the MILLENNIUM!

No!  The most romantic, fabulous, glamorous, glorious, doves-flying-in-the-air, song-and-danciest, “Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear Every Time You Are Near” wedding since God ripped a rib from Adam’s side and made Eve out of it.

God.  Do we suck, or what?

The two lead news stories in the 8 am hour on this morning.  Chelsea’s wedding.  maybe getting out of jail.  I imagine later, they’ll do an expose on the struggle to find new judges for and, if there’s time, maybe they’ll try to sneak in a little bit about the Administration trying to create jobs and the Republicans trying to maintain the status (jobless) quo for political reasons.  Then, wasn’t there something about oil in the Gulf?  God, it seems so long ago… maybe I just dreamed that.

But back to the story of the day.  Chelsea was “Glamorous.”  Bill was “thinner.”  The wedding itself was “radiant.”  Obama wasn’t even INVITED.  (I can see him, sitting in his private residence, sulking last night.)  Ted Friggin’ DANSON was there, but the PRESIDENT doesn’t even get an INVITE?

It was a “fantasy wedding”.  A “radiant wedding”.  A “glamorous wedding.”

It was everything YOUR wedding was NOT because THESE are FAMOUS people.  Well, one side of the bridal party is famous, anyway.

But YOU?  Who gives a rat’s ass about YOUR wedding.  YOU probably wore a BURLAP BAG, not a a dress designed by , a strapless dress that had a swirling silk organza ball skirt and train, and was accented by an embellished belt.

YOU don’t even know what “organza” MEANS, DO you.  Filthy, unwashed proletariat!

No, YOUR wedding was probably held in a BARN YARD with PIGS and COWS and FILTH!  Not like Chelsea’s with “well-heeled wedding guests wearing floor-length gowns and tuxedos (that were) were seen boarding shuttles to take them to what one event planner billed as “the wedding of the century.”   Storefront windows displayed signs reading “Congratulations Marc & Chelsea” and similar messages.”

Did anyone decorate a storefront for YOUR wedding?



Our lives are meaningless, futile:  a day-to-day struggle from the womb to the grave with nothing but sweat and pain and filth and degradation to mark one meaningless, futile day from another.

Thank GOD we have MSNBC and (Fox was probably covering a teabagger rally, so I can’t say for sure what they did with “the wedding” coverage) to LIFT our spirits from the muck and mire and slime in which we dwell.  For a few, brief moments, we can lift our heads from the scum, blink in amazement at the light given off by CELEBRITIES, and if we’re lucky warm ourselves in their reflected glory.  Then, it’s back to the pit.

Until the next time a gets arrested.  Or a celebrity threatens to murder his wife, or actually does!   Or gets out of a low seated limo with no panties on and we can THRILL with excitement.  Or a new American Idol judge gets chosen.  And then, there’s Dancing with the Stars so we can all imagine having SEX with the beautiful, lithe women and men as they cavort and twist and contort themselves for our purient amusement.  And then, we can watch Hell’s Kitchen so we can LAUGH at the poor idiots who volunteered to get yelled at by some British troglodyte and make ourselves feel BETTER than they are in our own misery.

Never mind the NEWS… that shit is just DEPRESSING.

The networks know what we want in our low, mean, miserable lives.  We want to bask in reflected glory and feel BETTER than the idiots on the reality shows!

Jeh-REE!  Jeh-REE!  Jeh-REE!  Jeh-REE!

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