The other day I had a craving for something bad...something deviously unhealthy for me, which would finally satisfy that inner beast howling for chocolate.
My attitude, in light of eating more healthfully these days, is to give in to those cravings every once in a blue moon. Either that or just expect everyone around me to cater to the superbitch I become when I deny myself something sinfully sweet.
After digging through our pantry, I managed to find a box of Duncan Hines brownie mix. JACKPOT!! This was so totally what I needed.
Little pangs of guilt stabbed away at me as I prepared the mix so instead of using oil, I substituted applesauce. And I threw in a couple tablespoons of ground flaxseed. If I really wanted to go all out, I would've happily grated some fresh zucchini and threw that in there too but come on now...cut me some slack.
As the sugary sweet brownies baked, the kids constantly nagged me about when they would be done baking. I kept repeating, "Good things come to those who wait..."
I had to laugh to myself as I recalled my RE telling me the exact same thing when my 2nd IVF was cancelled, resulting in complete devastation as if my life had been officially declared a failure.
Yeah, good things come to those who wait...and then some, says she who has two sets of twins.
The timer went off and as I opened the warm oven, the dreamy scent of lucious chocolate permeated our home. The kids ran into the kitchen screaming, "Are they done? Can we eat them yet?"
I managed to convince them to wait for the sweets to cool off, telling them that it wasn't worth burning their little taste buds off...yet, at the same time, thinking how wonderful it would be if they could no longer complain about the horrid taste of squash. What, with no taste buds and all.
Finally, after exuding an extreme amount of restraint and patience, my hungry children descended on the pan of brownies as if they were a pack of ravenous bears who had hibernated six months too long.
"Okay, okay," I said. "Calm down...there's plenty of brownies to go around."
Once they were all settled at the kitchen table, each of them with their own little personal bite of heaven, I grabbed myself a couple small orgasms on a plate and settled in at the counter in front of my laptop to check my e-mail.
Within a few seconds, I looked at my plate and it was empty. WTF?
I angrily spun myself around on the barstool, now facing my unsuspecting kids who were still at the table, practically licking their paper towels clean of crumbs.
"Who took my brownies?" I growled.
My eyes narrowed and I glared at each of them. "Whoever took them better speak up or you will never have another brownie as long as I live!"
However, no one spoke up. They looked at each other. Cole asked, "Who took Mommy's brownies? It wasn't me!"
Landon pointed to Garrett, "It was him. I saw him take your brownies!"
Garrett, desperate to prove his innocence, broke down into tears with an overabundance of snot pouring from his nose..."Not me! Mommy, not me!"
My eyes darted to Bella, who was cowering in her chair...tiny crumbs of chocolate evidence mushed all over her lips. Oh wait, that was probably HER brownie.
"Mommy", she said matter-of-factly. "You ate them."
What kind of dumb-ass does she take me for? I ate them? Was this her idea of a joke?
I began to laugh and bellowed, "You all must think I'm pretty lame to fall for that! One of you took them, I know it!"
I got up from the barstool, put two more brownies on my plate and walked back over to my laptop.
I warned them, "You all better back off of my brownies! You're messing with the wrong person...no one stands between me and my chocolate!"
After reading some Facebook updates and finishing one of the small brownies, I reached for the second one...but there was nothing left on the plate.
"OH. MY. GOODNESS. You kids don't know when to stop, do you?! Seriously, who ate my freakin' brownie?!" I hollered.
Cole walked over to me and shrugged his shoulders. The rest of them looked just as clueless.
To be honest, they all looked pretty scared, as if they were afraid I might actually explode into a tiny million pieces right before their very eyes....and then how would they explain that to their father?
"Well, Daddy...she kept accusing us of eating her brownies and then her head started spinning like a thousand miles per hour and it flew right off her head, right about the same time her body exploded all over the kitchen...and, get this....her mouth was still screaming 'Where's my freakin brownies?' It was horrible, Daddy. We're not gonna be able to sleep for months."
And then I pictured Tim using the life insurance money he'd receive after my death to pay for a lifetime of therapy for each of them...after their schoolmates started complaining that every time my kids would even smell a hint of chocolate, they'd have a complete meltdown and start screaming "Where's the freakin brownies?"
I rolled my eyes and tried the nice approach. "Okay, I'm not mad anymore...it's just chocolate. No big deal. But it's really irritating me that one of you is sneaking over here, right under my watchful eye and taking my brownies. Just tell me who it is and we'll call it a day."
Still, no one owned up to it. Whatever. See if I ever share brownies with them again.
Staring them down with an evil eye, I grabbed another brownie from the pan and sat down in front of my laptop.
Only this time, Cole smartened up and decided to keep an eye on me. Imagine that? HIM keeping an on ME, for a change.
Just as I was about to shovel that sweet little morsel into my mouth, he screamed, "A-ha!!!!! It's YOU...you're eating the brownies!"
Huh? WTF? Little smart ass child.
Immediately, I stopped myself and looked at my hand. Well, what do you know? There it was....a hunk of brownie headed towards my gaping mouth, which I probably wouldn't have tasted since I was so engrossed in reading a friend's update on Facebook.
All four of the kids now stood around me, arms crossed in front of their chests and smiling as if they had just made the bust of the century.
"Oh, come on, guys..." I pleaded. "I'm entitled to make a mistake every now and then, aren't I? Look, I'm sorry for accusing you of taking the brownies...clearly, I was eating them and not even paying any attention!"
Would I ever live this down? Of course not.
Bella smiled as she said, "So you seriously didn't know you were eating the brownies? Really?"
I shook my head, knowing full well I should be ashamed of myself. This is why Oprah, Dr Oz and all those other fitness and nutrition gurus tell you to NEVER eat in front of the tv or the computer.
Thankfully, the kids let it go and didn't mention it again. Until the next night...
After I said goodnight to my sweet little bundles of joy, I went downstairs to clean up the kitchen from dinner.
Suddenly, I heard laughter coming from Cole and Bella's bedroom.
My ears peaked with curiosity, which quickly turned to embarrassment, as I heard them each trying to out-do one another in their best demon-possessed voice...
"Where's my freakin brownies?" and "If you ate my brownies, you'll live to regret it!", followed up with "I can't believe how angry she got...they're JUST brownies!"
So, my friends, needless to say, I will never eat senselessly again....it's totally not worth the humiliation and shame.
I've learned my lesson. And my kids will suffer for it.
Next time, I'll just bake the brownies when they aren't home. And I'll devour the entire pan with such gusto and purpose it would make Jillian Michael's shit in her pants.
Later, I'll tell the kids, "Oh, by the way, I baked some brownies and ate every single one of them. You guys aren't angry, though. Right? After all, they were JUST brownies."