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Wondering about wondering

Posted Jun 19 2013 1:44pm
No one told me how hard a child with autism along with developmental issues, lung issues, brain issues and feeding issues, hearing issues and nonverbal would be. Yesterday I heard chopping I the kitchen...Kenny has a huge butchers knife chopping a cucumber! He is non stop running/wondering...the other day, he was ten houses down the street...i just went to the bathroom!!! now...I'm really scared and feel like a failure as a mommy. I'm not super mommy. I just can't....
It's getting harder and harder and we have absolutely no help...sure, people say they want to help, but no one does. Or I get my friends who just completely ignore me. 
It's a very isolated, high stress and to way out lifestyle. I love my children with heart and soul...but I'm so scared and done. 
We can't go anywhere without a meltdown, the beach, the city pool the playground, everything is off limits...for my own frame of mind. I don't need the stress and the looks. 
Sometimes I really I don't..but I just hate this never ending stressful everything. And no...please don't say you understand...because no one understands. I pray, and pray for guidance and compassion...and nothing. I do unto other as I would want for myself and I truly feel that God forgot about me. Baking cupcakes  to raise money for people and organizations (for free)...and not even a personal thank you. I'm just so done with this, family, "friends", schools, churches, communities...everything. 

On another note...I finally got my prize possession that I've been wanting for 6 years: nicks actual footprint (it's only an inch and a few cm. long) with a crooked halo.
The 5:4 represents the verse in the bible: Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
It also represents the day that Nick passed away...May 4th. 
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