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Who’s More Important: Your Spouse Or Your Children?

Posted Feb 23 2009 9:46pm

T rey Morgan [ Link ] talked about a subject today that has been stewing in my head for some time now with his post “Children Come Second?”. Who is more important in your marriage or relationship: your spouse or your children?

I’m sure my wife and I aren’t too different from many other couples out there. We both work full time jobs, we both love our kids immensely, we don’t have a ton of free time and we used to have a stronger marriage before children.

Wait…what? “ had a stronger marriage before kids?”…Yes, you read that correctly…a stronger marriage before we had children.

I always thought that once you have kids your marriage grew stronger - it had to in order to weather the storms of raising children…right? Well, when you combine 2 busy, exhausted, full-time working parents with 2 sleepless, yet amazing children it’s easy to want to spend all your free time being “parent” and not “lover”.

My Wife Is More Important to Me than My Children

There. I said it. And my wife knows it. My wife is more important than my kids.

Why? Because, as a dad and a man, it’s my duty to set the bar high for any guy in the future who wishes to date one of my daughters. I want my daughters to benchmark future boyfriends against me to see how they stack up and if I’ve neglected my relationship with my wife then it just sends the wrong signals.

I also don’t want the kids to grow up and leave and not know the person sitting across the table from me at breakfast.

In Trey’s article, he mentions what one couple said to him:

“We don’t have a marriage, we have a business. We make money, pay bills and raise kids, period.”

There have been plenty of days where I’ve felt the same way - I feel like my business partner comes home, we say our cordial “hello’s” and “how are you’s” but we fail to really connect because we’re so busy playing mom and dad and not husband and wife.

Don’t get me wrong - I think my wife is an amazing person. She’s a compassionate mother and a fascinating woman and we love each other more than we ever have. We’ve certainly struggled with connecting and growing our relationship like we should over the past 3+ years and I have been just as guilty in the past when it comes to putting our kids first.

The Guilt Factor In Moms Versus Dads

T his quote has been stuck in my head ever since I realized that I was going to be a father back in early 2005:

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
Author Unknown

Maybe it’s because I’m a man, or it’s because I’m not a mother, I find it easier to put my wife ahead of my children. Is that true for all the dads out there?

Our youngest is only 7 months old and it’s easy for me to sit here and say that my wife needs to make more time with me. I haven’t decided if that’s just me being selfish or just being a guy. I also understand that it’s all a balancing act - I don’t want to her to neglect our children because of me. Come on…I’m not that selfish.

When my wife spends so much time away from the girls everyday, naturally she wants to come home and be mom. I on the other hand, can put not seeing my kids all day aside, and come home wanting to be husband first then dad. My first thought coming through the door is “Where’s my wife so I can give her a hug and a kiss?” After that I can play dad.

I don’t have all the answers here…I’m still trying to figure out how I can finagle some quality alone time with my wife. Maybe this post will help - maybe it won’t! We’ll see and, in the mean time, if you have any suggestions on how to get more quality time with your wife I’d love to hear from you. Drop me a comment below and add to the conversation.

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