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What NOT to do when you're invited to be on a talk show...

Posted Nov 07 2010 7:53pm
I know I've been lacking in presence within the blogosphere but starting Macaroni Kid in our area has taken up way more time than I expected. 

However, aside from it being very time consuming, it's been a lot of fun!  My two MK partners, Ann and Wendy, and I have basically hit the ground running!   We are all go-getters on a mission and so far it has paid off! 

For instance, last Wednesday, Wendy sent an e-mail to one of the local news stations which hosts a morning talk show.  We thought, if anything, they may get back to us in a few weeks...if they were even interested in us coming on the show.

That very afternoon, I got a text from Wendy..."OMG, they want us on the show on FRIDAY!"  

"Uh, this Friday!?" I yelled into the phone when she called me.

"Uh, yeah, this Friday!" she screamed back at me.

Holy crap, this was happening so much faster than we expected. 

We were totally not prepared...I mean, none of us had a chance to have our hair touched up, our nails were far from nicely manicured...for God's sake, I didn't even have a chance to whiten my freakin' teeth!

Nonetheless, we all agreed that we could do this.  Well, Wendy never hesitated about that was me and Ann who were totally freaking out about going on the air live.  Yes,'s a live show. 

In other words, if I happened to let a curse word fly out of my mouth, it would be in front of thousands of viewers.  And then what parent is going to want to sign up for Macaroni Kid when one of the mothers who publishes it curses like a damn sailor?  See what I mean?  Nerve-wracking.

Plus, I may seem like a total bad-ass here on my blog but that's because I'm hiding behind my computer screen.  There's a reason I don't attend those big blogger conferences....I get tongue-tied and nervous and, before I know it, I'm sticking my foot in my mouth and offending someone. 

However, let me assure you that I am not a 60-year old bald man covered in unattractive age spots posing as a middle-aged mother of two sets of twins.  No one would make up shit like that.  Seriously.

Moving on....the producer of the show let one of us off the hook, though, by saying that only two people could go on the show.  Something about their sofa being small and how it would look uneven because they only have two show hosts...whatever. 

Ann and I decided that we would both be camera ready and just figure out at the last minute which one of us would go on with Wendy.

So Friday arrived and, as we drove up to Sacramento, we chatted about what a great opportunity this was...yadda, yadda, yadda.  I felt like puking the whole time.  The thought of going on live air and completely losing composure (and possibly bladder functioning) scared the living crap out of me.

I secretly hoped that Ann would let me off the hook....but she didn't.  I'm pretty sure she was secretly hoping I would do the same for her.  

We arrived at the studio much earlier than expected and asked the receptionist if we could use the restroom.  As we walked in, the weather girl, Monica Woods, was walking out.

I was totally star struck.  "OMG, did you see who that was?!!  Monica Woods!!  She peed in this very bathroom!!"

And then Ann and I were reduced to the maturity of a couple of 14-year old girls who were just invited to the school dance by their secret crushes. 

As Wendy entered the same stall that Monica Woods had probably used, Ann and I could not stop gushing, "Monica Woods sat on that SAME toilet.  OMG, Wendy, you're peeing where she peed!!" 

Of course, I had to snap a picture of the bathroom know, for sentimental reasons.

From there, it all just went downhill...for me, anyway. 

Besides acting like an insane weathergirl groupie, here are some other things I've learned that you shouldn't do when invited on a talk show...

1)  Don't act like a blithering idiot when the newsman walks into the studio, even if he is way hotter in person than he is on television.  And he's only waving hello to you because it's the polite thing to do...not because he noticed you across the crowded room and is seriously considering leaving his wife so he can whisk you away on a romantic excursion to a deserted island.

2)  Don't place your purse by your feet the minute you sit down.  It may seem like a sensible place to put it but you'll soon realize it's pretty much not when you trip over it as you go to shake hands with the producer of the show.

3)  When the producer offers you a glass of water, politely decline.  Just because you were asked to come on the talk show does not make you Oprah.  The producer is not your assistant...if you want water, drink out of the water fountain like the other scared guests do.

4)  If you are rude enough to accept the offer of a glass of water, at least make sure it all ends up in your mouth...not all over your clothes, as you sit 5 feet away from the hot news reporter.

5)  Don't drink so much water that you're pretty sure your bladder is going to explode all over the studio...and you'll end up being the next breaking news story.  That's no way to make the hot news reporter fall in love with you.

6)  Don't ignore any instructions given to you, especially as you're about to step foot in front of the camera when the producer is about to put the hot news reporter on air for a breaking story.  You would hate for that to be your one defining moment..."Yeah, remember when Dan Elliot was doing that breaking story and some idiot walked in front of the camera....that was ME!"

7)  Don't ignore the other show guests...there could be a celebrity among you and you'd never know it.  Like, say....Deana Martin, Dean Martin's daughter!  She stood nearby us the entire time before she went on the air and then when they announced who she was, we were all dumbfounded.  We did manage to get a picture with her after her segment...and she asked us to e-mail it to her.  Because we're important now. 

8)  Don't be fooled into thinking the celebrity will have the foggiest idea who the hell you are if you e-mail her the picture with a personal note..."Dear Deana, so nice to meet you!  Let's keep in touch!", as if you're old friends from elementary school or something.

9)  Don't go out to the front room and drool all over the delicious array of donuts and muffins spread out in front of you.  You'll feel pretty damn stupid when the executive producer practically smacks a cinammon roll out of your greedy hands and says, "Uh, those are for a meeting we're having in a little while."

10)  And, lastly, don't gloat about the fact that you and your camera-shy partner decided to flip a coin to see who would end up going on the air.  Because when she loses and has to do the interview, don't even think for a second that she'll forget it's your ass doing the next interview.

Here are some pictures....

This one below demonstrates how close I was sitting to the hot news reporter can see part of his chair there on the right.  I could've pinched his ass, I was so close to him.  Trust me, I thought about doing it, too.

Here's Monica Woods (in the pink) chatting with the other weather girl (in the yellow).  I have no idea who the other weather girl is.  Nice, huh?  I'm a loyal and dedicated weathergirl groupie, if nothing else.

Here we are with our new best friend, Deana Martin.  And just for the record, Ann, Wendy and I are not fat.  Deana is just abnormally super skinny. 

Here are Ann and Wendy sitting on the sofa, chatting like old pros with Melissa and Scott, the show's hosts, before going on the air live.

Here we are posing with the hosts of the show.  I totally look like I don't belong in the picture....because I was the loser who didn't want to be in the interview.

Here's the three of us after the show, all relaxed at a restaurant where we inhaled a delicious breakfast...while Ann and Wendy's cell phones blew up constantly with texts and phone calls from family and friends raving about their interview while my phone just had one text from my extremely loving, supportive husband calling me a complete wimp. 

Edited to add the video of the segment!  Click HERE to watch it! Registered & Protected
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