Before I went on holiday I had a lengthy email conversation with some bloggers about waxing. I have never had anything waxed and knew that one or more of them definitely had. I wanted to know whether I should do a home wax or go to a salon. OR just not bother.
One blogger confessed “I let my husband assist me with a home wax once which nearly ended in divorce.” Another announced “I am the Queen of the Lady Garden. It FUCKING hurts.” Later someone else piped up with “Think I’ll stick to doing my own fanjeeta, I don’t want to discuss arse hair with *anyone*”
Wondering what arse hair had to do with it I put the wax strips I had bought back in the cupboard. I decided that I would not be getting anything waxed any time soon and, using hair removal cream, sorted myself out.
With a trip to Florida looming next week it has become apparent that I could do with some attention again.
This morning I decided that if I had endured the pain of birth twice then I could cope with a bit of waxing. Out came the ‘EASY TO USE’ wax strips.
After reading the instructions carefully especially the part which read ‘IMPORTANT: Warm the wax strips before use by rubbing them between your hands’ I decided to hold the strip against the radiator. What an excellent idea.
I peeled the, by now very warm, strip and applied it ‘firmly’. I held my skin taut, shut my eyes, gritted my teeth and yanked …. HARD. It really didn’t hurt, this was going to be easy. As I looked down I realised why. The wax was so warm that it just clung to my skin and stayed put. I reapplied the strip twice more in the hope that it would magically remove the wax … not add more.
In mild panic I read the instructions again more thoroughly. This is when I read the bit which said ‘In very hot weather the strip should be cooled in the refrigerator before use’. Shit, shit and triple shit. I imagine that point applies to someone holding the wax strip against a tropically hot radiator too.
Throwing caution to the wind and with one side of my lady garden covered in bright green wax I decided, for reasons unknown, to try the other side, but without the radiator method.
It turns out it was no better.
With either side of my lady garden covered in green wax I decided to read on.
‘If the wax sticks to the skin, re-apply strip repeatedly until all excess wax is removed. Small amounts of wax can be removed with baby oil. DO NOT REMOVE WITH WATER’
No mention of what to do if all of the wax becomes stuck to the skin and will not come off with the re-application of the strip. No mention of what to do if you have no baby oil.
I wrapped a towel around myself and adopted the John Wayne walk. The John Wayne walk was effective in that it stopped anything sticking together that should NEVER be stuck together. It also confused the 4 year old and the Teenager who were unaware of the waxing catastrophe that I was enduring.
I went downstairs and grabbed the next best thing to baby oil … olive oil.
Ensconced back in the bathroom I applied olive oil to my nethers and then wondered what to do. Grabbing some cotton wool I tried to remove the olive oil/wax combination which only gave the effect of a two tone Father Christmas beard. Good God.
After more application of olive oil, a lot of muttering, some shower gel and a bloody good scrub in the shower I was free of most of the wax. I was also a funny pink colour and still hairy.
Two hours later, as I type this, I am aware that my knickers are sticking to my skin and may need to be removed with force tonight … hopefully taking the hair with them.