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Vanity, Thy Name is Carmen

Posted Oct 05 2009 10:03pm

I needed a lip wax.

In the interest of full disclosure, I will share two things - I often need a lip wax, being a hairy, hairy beast of a woman, and I hate to get a lip wax, simply because I am a whiny, cryie baby and it hurts so freaking bad. SO I wait until it's much too late and then it hurts worse. I have discovered, however, that if I go to the uber cushy spa in my area I don't break out after the fact - an unfortunate side effect of going to a less expensive salon type area, namely the nail salons that serve as multi purpose locations. There's really nothing worse than getting said lip wax and spending the next week with a very visible reminder that you are a hairy freak of nature.

While I was pondering the need for a lip wax one day, I was also contemplating said pain, and I flashed on a totally brilliant idea - what about the lidocaine cream I had in the cabinet? I could conceivably coat coat my upper lip in the cream, let it do its brilliant job of numbing and then go have all of the hair ripped off my upper lip completely pain free. Congratulating myself on my brilliance, I coated my upper lip about fifteen minutes before it was time to leave. It was only then that I realized how much of a mess I was in, and how, exactly, I thought I'd drive across town sporting said very thick white moustache.

Getting out to the van was no trouble - I just ducked my head and covered my mouth with my hand. I jumped into the van and started it up, and backing out of the driveway I ran into my first stumbling block - a neighbor, walking towards me and waving. What to do, what to do I frantically thought. I'm just vain enough that I didn't want her to see me sporting what could be construed as a face full of mayonnaise, so I quickly leaned my left elbow on the door and dropped my chin into my hand.  Curling my fingers around my nose, I used the other hand to wave energetically and sped off, choosing to ignore the puzzled looks she gave me.

Driving on the interstate, I thought, would be the best way, but I hadn't counted on the social curiosity that most people feel as they pass or are passed by another driver. You know what I mean - the sideways glance. Each time, I tried to lean back and shield myself with the door frame, but that got old quickly - there's nothing more distracting to other drivers than the puzzlement of trying to figure out another driver's bobble head activities. So I settled for driving with my chin in my hand, eyes of COURSE on the road, fingers curved around my face, trying to appear nonchalant and relaxed and why, no, of course there's nothing on my face, whatever might you be looking at? It was a very. very long ride to the spa, and I did everything I could to both avoid other drivers and concentrate on the road without distracting anyone. I gladly grabbed the tissues I had in the van at the last stop light and wiped my upper lip clean. It felt funny - kind of tingly and numb and I thought, hey, maybe it's worth looking like an idiot, because maybe I won't feel ANYTHING, and this could be the secret to getting a more frequent lip wax - because if it doesn't hurt, I'm coming here every WEEK.

And all of that drama and concern was completely ridiculous, of course - because not only did the lip wax still hurt - but I broke out, to boot.

Just embrace the pain, idiot.

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