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To wean or not to wean...that is the question....

Posted Jan 14 2009 8:55pm
I have no more refills on my Wellbutrin and Tamazapam scrips. I know I can get another refill on both if I contact the psychiatrist who prescribed them for me....well, maybe not the sleeping pills because those were only meant to be a temporary fix for a temporary problem. But as I was warned, they have become an addiction. I seriously believe I need them in order to get a good night's sleep. When I had a cold a few weeks ago, I skipped taking the Tamazapam so I could take a cold pill to help me with congestion and I was a horrible mess during those days following.

As far as the Wellbutrin, I wonder how I'm supposed to know if I'm ready to wean off of them....maybe I'll just be on them forever?? Initially, my dr prescribed it for my PPD....it took a while for me to feel the difference and even then my dr had to play around with the dosage until I could start feeling more balanced. I'm doing well....I very rarely stress about things....I can't remember the last time I was actually driven to tears out of frustration or feeling overwhelmed....and, most importantly, I can't recall the last time I had an intrusive thought in the form of wanting to harm myself or the kids. I feel like that's the most important thing because it was incredibly scary to have those thoughts....I had no control over them. They would just randomly pop into my head and then I'd obsess about the thought, wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

Needless to say, I'm scared shitless to stop the meds....I'm so scared of going back to that dark, ugly place again. I had Garrett and Landon over a year ago so technically my hormones should be normal again....but I'm scared to test the waters I guess. I like who I am on the meds....I feel like I'm a better mother, a more productive, energetic and spirited mother. I like the fact that I don't dread each day....I like the fact that I can have fun with the kids and not have to fake every single smile....I like that I'm interested in socializing with friends and other moms (I even have a playdate scheduled for tomorrow, which is something I had avoided for so long!)....I like that my head feels clear and I can think straight, even when all the kids are whining about one thing or another. I'm rational and composed now.

So I guess, for now, I'll contact the psychiatrist and get another refill....I can't afford to have a breakdown now or to slip slowly back into depression again. Or maybe it would happen fast. Things spiraled out of control for me pretty quickly initially when I was diagnosed with PPD. Such a scary time for me...and for Tim and the kids.

Aside from that, things are going well. I took Garrett and Landon to the park 2 times today...the weather was just so beautiful and they are so much happier when they are outdoors and not cooped up inside with the same old boring toys. I had to laugh this evening while I was cooking dinner, Cole and Bella wanted to help as usual. Cole saw that I was cutting up zucchini to put in the spaghetti sauce and he said "I'm not eating that...I don't like zucchini" and I said "that's fine, you don't have to eat it then", as I giggled to myself because I had grated some zucchini earlier and threw it in the turkey meatballs when they weren't looking!! HAHAHAHAHA!! And then he gobbled up the meatballs saying "yum, these are good" but he picked out all the pieces of zucchini in the sauce. I'm so evil....I actually enjoy pulling one over on my kids....I will get them to eat their veggies one way or another dammit!
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