This Ones Tricky, You Have to Use Imaginary Numbers, Like Eleventeen
Posted Jan 08 2010 8:43am
I give up, you figure them out...
When I told my husband, Garth [not his real name] I was pregnant with our youngest, it didn't come as much of a surprise, really; not like the first time, I mean, when he closed his eyes, fell back on the bed, grabbed his head (with both hands) and sort of just laid there, for a few minutes, moaning.
We had already signed the contract on this house (less full, at the time) and then came Valentine's Day and, well, he WAS there when it ALL happened.
Three more (+) signs, later:
"Well, at least, no one will have to sit alone, on the rollercoaster."
Then, all of a sudden, our lives turned into one big Dr. Seuss book:
One Kid, two kids,
Meh, what's one more kid
Some have brown eyes, except their brother
Don't ask me why
Go ask your mother.
Little did we know, all those days (and nights) ago, how prophetic my husband words would be.
GAH! Now, I'm speaking in rhyme? Hang on, this will be real quick.
[slams head on laptop]
There, that did the trick...I mean...where was I?
Rollercoasters? Feh, they're for wussies. Raising tweens and teens? Best get your barf bags ready, now. Not only will they make you eat your words...
"I will never YELL at my kids, ever."
They'll make you chew on them a bit, first, before spitting them all over your sensible shoes, too!
"HANG UP YOUR WET TOWELS, DAMMIT!!!"
Wet towels. Tragic. I know.
[sound of puking]
I got sick, this week...NO, I'M NOT PREGNANT!
[knocking on wood until knuckles bleed]
I know, because I got my period at the same time (you're welcome!) it's how I roll and, well, best get your heating pads ready, now. Being a woman sucks. Being a woman of a certain age, sucks wet poodle.
"Go back to bed, Mah!"
It was already dark, the kids were ALL home from school (thank you, Carpooling Mom!) but, it was the quiet that woke me.
Aaaand, with a slightly confused and saddened heart, I turned toward the stairs, thinking that perhaps it was good that the kids were learning to take care of themselves (jinx) and slowly climbed closer to the realization that, one day, they won't be needing me, at all.
"Sheesh...she's like a kid, sometimes."
Judging by the frequency of my bathroom stops, I imagine it will be real soon, too.