I am getting a little sick of the internet. And, there is no way I can write this post without making myself look like a jerk. LUCKILY, I foresaw this months ago and created the “Jenny is a jerk” category – just so we’re clear. I’m a very nice person who can also be a real jerk when she thinks she is right and you are wrong, and well…
Here’s what’s got my knickers in a twist.
People who hashtag their kids’ names on Instagram
PEOPLE OF INSTAGRAM: You don’t need to hashtag every picture of your kid with their full name. Hashtags are basically for either searchability (original purpose) or comedy and NO ONE is going to search for #joshuakenneth #sophiadiane or #jonahlaton which is why I don’t HASHTAG MY KIDS NAMES ON PICTURES ON INSTAGRAM AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU.
People who use a gazillion hashtags on every photo on Instagram
AND ALSO: Listen. You don’t 12 hashtags on the picture of your #adorable #new #red #shoes #pumps #heels #brandname #footwear #storewhereyouboughtthem #fashion #trend #springshoes
Bloggers who post on Facebook or Twitter about all the fabulous stuff they get invited to but can’t attend. So that we all know they are totally IN DEMAND.
I’m sorry your life is so busy and fabulous, but those of us who get invited to like, one event a year would like to maintain a shred of dignity SO STOP IT. Gah.
(Totally switching gears here).
Fully-grown adults who have long engagements.
I recently posted on Facebook about how this irritates me and a bunch of people got defensive. Look, if you’re over 30 and have a job, there is no reason for you to be engaged more than a year. Unless your fiance is DEPLOYED. When I was a child bride of 22 with a fresh college diploma and no job, an 11-month engagement seemed like an eternity. WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM? To me, nothing says “plenty of time to back out” like two 31-year-olds with an 18-month engagement.
People who come into my yard when I’m playing with the kids trying to sell me something.
I’m pretty sure it says in the Bible to love your neighbor as yourself until he or she preys on you when you’re trying to make sure your two-year-old doesn’t fall off the slide. Security system-man is lucky the husband was out with the kids when he ambled up to put a damper on a lovely evening, because the husband is MUCH nicer than I am and I would’ve said “get the H off my fishing lawn before I call the cops, sharkface!” When I did come outside and the salesman tried to latch on to me I calmly texted a friend and asked her to call me therefore saving myself from committing many, many mortal sins against the Honeywell man. Oh my gosh that made me MURDEROUSLY angry. And also? I’m not stupid! I know you’re not here to give me something for FREE, you fishing INTRUDER! GRRRAARRRRGH!
Recipes that include the word “skinny”
Look, it’s not like I stuff my face with brownies and cookies all day long (especially now that I have to eat gluten-free, waah-waah) so when I make a dessert recipe, LET IT BE FULL OF FAT AND SUGAR so I can ACTUALLY ENJOY IT!
And yes, I WILL be washing it down with a glass of Mountain Dew, TWO if you push me. I might even dump a box of NERDS in there just to make it sweeter!
In the totally paraphrased words of Erin Brockovich, “As long as I have one @$$ instead of two, I’ll eat whatever I want!”
(She said “wear” rather than “eat”. But I’m not about to start dressing like a prostitute. My kids might get kicked out of Christian school.)
So anyway, those are things that I do not enjoy. Feel free to judge me…silently.