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The world according to a toddler....

Posted Aug 25 2009 10:43pm
My 2-yr old twins, Garrett and Landon, are constantly keeping me on my toes. I do have to say, though, that this stage that they're at is BY FAR the best stage so far. They're finally figuring out how to talk, they have such a wonderful sense of humor and they still think I'm the coolest person that they know.

I think one of the reasons I'm probably enjoying this stage of toddlerhood so much is because I finally feel like I have a handle on things. If there were anything I'd want new mothers to know, it's what to expect from your toddler...and most importantly, how to understand the world according to your toddler.

So here it is...."The World According To Your Toddler". Everything you should know, everything you need to know and everything you thought you knew but you were really only kidding yourself.....brought to you courtesy of Garrett and Landon.

1) "No" is a perfectly acceptable word in my vocabulary. However, it is not an appropriate word for YOU to have in yours.

2) When you offer me a graham cracker, offering me just any graham cracker will not do. It has to be from the package that is NOT YET OPEN, even though I know there's already another package that has been opened. And it has to be the bottom graham cracker. The top one simply isn't good enough for me. Leave that one for Daddy.

3) Don't get all excited that I ate the peas you put on my plate today. I can assure you that the next time you serve me peas, I will throw them off my plate one by one, as if peas were the most horrible food known to man.

4) You may think that the contents of the toilet bowl is completely disgusting. But I, on the other hand, think it's pretty darn cool. It's even more enticing if someone has left poop in the bowl, unflushed. And I'll just warn you up front...I will not be able to resist unraveling all the toilet paper and attempting to flush it down the toilet....all at one time. Oh, and just so you know, there are plenty of other things around the house that I find intriguing, such as the dirty broom, the garbage pail that holds my dirty diapers, the space underneath the oven, the cat food and the top shelf of your nightstand. How was I supposed to know that the tube of slimy stuff wasn't diaper rash cream?

5) It is adorable when I run around the house naked. It is NOT adorable, however, when you do it. Enough said.

6) Putting a gate in our bedroom doorway to prevent us from leaving our room at night was a clever idea, even I have to admit that. BUT, I don't understand why you continue to underestimate my strength and power. I can bust that gate down quicker than you can scream "Get back in your room". Now you know....consider yourself informed.

7) Here's the scoop on sippy cups. It's really pretty simple. Repeat it with me...

All dark juices go in the orange sippy cup:




All clear or light juices go in the blue sippy cup:



It doesn't have to make perfect sense to you. It makes perfect sense to me and, really, isn't that all that matters? Live it, love it, respect it.

8) For the 100th time, under no circumstances are you ever to break a piece of food in half and offer it to me. If you give me a banana, it better be a whole banana. Same rule goes for cheese, crackers....giving me half a cracker is not acceptable and I won't stand for it. Oh, and don't think you can turn your back away from me and cut it in half, on the sly....I may be a toddler and I may be what they call a "clean slate" but I'm not stupid. Are we clear now? Okay, moving on....try to keep up....

9) When I'm upset, I expect you to sit there and try to figure out what it is that I need or want. Here's the list of things you should ask me:

--does your tummy hurt?
--do you have an owie somewhere?
--are you thirsty?
--are you hungry?
--are you tired?
--do you need hugs and kisses?
--are you scared?
--do you want world peace?

I'll still continue to sob uncontrollably...maybe mumbling a comprehendible word here and there. Just keep on guessing and at some point when I'm tired of hearing your voice, I'll just simply point to what I want and then you'll get up and go get it for me, k?

10) What's mine is MINE. Get it? Don't expect me to share. Don't expect me to be all thoughtful and generous. My toys are MY toys and no one else's. It wasn't MY idea to host a playdate....that was YOUR idea. Just because you want to impress all the moms in the playgroup doesn't mean that I have to play along and be nice. I'm a toddler... I'm rude, I'm selfish, the world revolves around ME and only ME....don't expect anything otherwise.

However, every once in awhile, I will surprise you. If you're really nice to me....and I mean, SUPER nice...I may even be willing to haul the trash to the front door, without being asked of course.



But you should know that this will not be an everyday occurrence. Yeah, don't expect miracles to happen all the time. On most days, I reserve the right to completely annoy you to the point where throwing yourself into oncoming traffic sounds more exciting than hanging out with me for the rest of the day.



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