Last Monday and Tuesday the 5 year old had stomach ache.
Wednesday night featured ‘Delirious Boy’ who had a really high temperature and started speaking gibberish at midnight. At the same time the 5 year old was toilet bound.
On Thursday night the Doctor told me that the 3 year old had suspected shingles because he had a pain in his rib and a temperature, by Friday he had stomach ache and white spots at the back of his throat which the Doctor told me was tonsillitis. I wasn’t well either and we barricaded the doors and stayed home.
At this point no one dare fart for fear of following through.
By Saturday the children who normally eat at least every two hours without fail stopped eating altogether and the puking began with a vengeance. Those two slices of cucumber that the 5 year old had eaten over the last 24 hours made a whole lot of mess.
On Saturday night the puking got worse and in the 5 year old’s bed. I had to clean her mattress and turn it upside down so that the part which needed to dry was at the bottom of the bed. She then insisted I sleep with her. Feeling sorry for her I squeezed against the wall in her single bed. A combination of having my legs in the wet patch, her chattering in her sleep, grinding of teeth and intermittent puking (in a bowl) meant that I got approximately 2 hours sleep. At the same time the husband was up every hour with the 3 year old who had, what a friend refers to as, ‘the whirly splats’.
Sunday morning the 5 year old managed to keep half a slice of toast down for ten minutes then spent the day sleeping.
So here comes today, Monday. This morning the 3 year old was feeling better, leaping about and actually ate some breakfast. I took him to the childminder and went to work. The 5 year old stayed home being babysat by Sportacus, Dora, Mister Maker, Peppa et al whilst the husband was working in the attic.
I got a phone call about an hour ago from the childminder saying the 3 year old wasn’t well could I pick him up.
I am now at home with the 5 year old who can’t decide if she’s hot or cold but is finally eating and the 3 year old who is asleep. We are awash with antibacterial spray and I am chain-drinking Diet Coke.
Please let it be over, I am exhausted. I want my loud whiny children back, I don’t like these floppy quiet ones.
… and please NO MORE WET FARTS … the washing machine can’t handle it