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THE SHOE that sent me over THE EDGE

Posted Jun 12 2013 7:05am
the shoe2

This is a tale, a cautionary tale. In most instances  (for example in my wildly popular series ), I am more than happy – perhaps even a bit vehemently so – to tell you to be like me.  But there’s one area of my life in which you should not do as I do.

It is the area called “the little things” {insert comment here from my mom or  my dad on how I am exactly like my dad}. It is the little things that cause me to lose my fishing mind.

Exhibit A:

One cozy afternoon last week I put Jonah down for a nap, and before I did, I took his shoes off and placed them on Joshua’s bed. Because who wants to sleep with their shoes on, amIrite? After Jonah awoke, the kids and I were going out to run an errand. I cannot even remember what the errand was (which will lend credence to the fact that I am a flipping maniac). I gave Jonah a snack in his high chair and then went up to retrieve the shoes.

On the bed, where I had taken off Jonah’s shoes, lay one shoe. Now no one had been in the room at all, except Jonah in his crib far away from the shoes, and me to get him out of said crib, so I knew no one had walked off with it. So, I looked all over the bed, under the bed, under Joshua’s clothes that were on the floor, etc., as any reasonable person would do.

No shoe.

I took the one shoe that had not abracadabra-ed itself out of existence, and went downstairs and placed it on the dining room table. So I would know where it was and not mistake it for it’s missing twin, of course. Then I asked Joshua, who at nine years old is certainly capable of seeing a shoe when there is a shoe to be seen, to take a look in his room and see if his dumb old mom missed something.

Joshua goes and returns sans shoe.

I went back up to the boys room and looked all the places I had already looked and all the places it couldn’t possibly be.

No shoe.

This is where I lost it. I came back downstairs raging about how we couldn’t go on our errand because I couldn’t find the stupid shoe, and how can a shoe just disappear, I PUT IT RIGHT THERE WITH THE OTHER ONE AND LEFT THE ROOM!! Joshua was trying to talk me down. Poor kid, he did not even know how impossible that was. “Maybe he can wear another pair of shoes.”

“HE DOESN’T HAVE ANOTHER PAIR OF SHOES!” Which is true. His old ones are too small now. In my head I am raging, “WHAT BUSINESS DID WE HAVE BUYING A TWO-YEAR-OLD A $40 PAIR OF SHOES?” And by “we” I meant “my husband” of course.

Joshua tried again. “Well, he can ride in a cart, he doesn’t need shoes.”

“WE ARE NOT GOING ANYHERE UNTIL I FIND THIS SHOE. I CANNOT DO ANYTHING UNTIL I FIND THE SHOE!  I CANNOT FUNCTION UNTIL I KNOW WHERE THE SHOE IS! THAT’S JUST THE WAY IT IS!”

Joshua gave up and ran for cover at this point. And I, I sent a bunch of ocean-life-related text messages to Emily and to my husband about how the shoe was ruining my entire life and HOW DID IT JUST DISAPPEAR and how I just CANNOT handle this kind of shark!!! And my blood pressure rose and veins popped out of my forehead and it was, truly, my finest hour.

Then I went back and looked one. more. time.

The fishing shoe was stuck between the bed and the wall.

How it traveled THAT FAR without a foot inside it is anyone’s guess, but it did.

And it nearly killed me.

And it’s entirely the shoe’s fault.

Right?

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