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the bathroom experience of redemption

Posted Feb 06 2013 5:00am
MyPicture

There I was, in a heap, on the bathroom floor.

It seems to happen there often, doesn't it?
The room with a cold landing.
The room with a lock.
The room where you can cry, and nobody can see just how incredibly weak you really feel.

That's where I was when I finally crumpled to the floor, sobbing as though it was the first time I'd ever felt emotion...
Feeling an ache in my gut unlike any other.

Completely broken inside.
Angry at God.
Furious at myself.
Lost.
Hopeless.
Desperate.

"Where are you God?!?"  I demanded.  
"Why did you bring me here simply to have me feel so alone??  Why did you create me this way?  So weak?  So unable to be the person I desire to be?  Why have you left me?  God!  Please, WHERE ARE YOU??"

At that moment there was nothing left inside me.
Nothing.
All I could do was finally release what had been boiling up inside for so long.
All my anger.
My disgust.
My fear.
My disappointments.
My expectations.

I was depleted.
Done trying.
Done pretending.
In everything, I was done.

It was as though I was literally throwing myself, and everything in me, down at the foot of the throne.
(Only I suppose, in literal terms, it was a porcelain one.  ha.)

My tears wouldn't stop.
My breath couldn't catch.
And my heart didn't stop aching and yearning for something more.

There I was...
crumpled into a ball, feeling lifeless and tired.
Tired of being selfish,
Tired of fighting,
Tired of hurting,
Tired of failing my own unrealistic expectations...


"...so much to be thankful for..."
"...blessed with so much...""...could be so much worse..."
...were all the thoughts woven between my selfish ones.
And in one of the most honest moments of my life, I continued to pray and cry out to the Lord.After all, He already knew all that had been inside me.
You can't fool God.
It was simply time for me to get real.  To be honest.And with God, He doesn't take offense.It's always okay.In fact, there's incredible freedom in confession.

As I revealed to him the truth of my hardened selfish heart, I felt it all begin to crumble.
And in the hours and days that followed....slowly, I felt a change.

The heaviness and darkness had lifted.
I felt joy and hope and grace.

I had faced my brokenness...
my weaknesses.
All my despair and immense imperfection, were left it at His throne.
(bathroom throne...whatever.)

In that honest moment, I became the empty shell He needed...
Ready to be filled with Him!
...with His Strength.
...with His Joy.
...with His Forgiveness and Grace.

And this is what became tucked away in my heart as my bathroom experience of redemption.
A moment needed.
A moment never to be forgotten.

~~~~~~~

Is it time for you to be honest with God?
He already knows...and He just wants to hear you...to hold you....while you finally release it into His capable hands.


At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
Through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart
Yes You've won my heart
Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
(I am made complete)
You have given me life
Through the death You bore for me
And you've won my heart
Yes you've won my heart
Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
And you've won my heart
Yes you've won my heart
Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
I'd trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
I lay every burden down
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
I'm laying every burden down
I'm laying every burden down
~Kathryn Scott

© 2012 "Le Musings of Moi"
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