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Sure I feel okay 80% of the time but PLEASE renew my scrip for Wellbutrin!

Posted Jan 14 2009 8:55pm
I had an appt today with the psychiatrist at Kaiser to see if she would refill my scrip for Wellbutrin, which I've been on since October/November 2007. Since then she's been renewing my scrip via e-mail without having me come in. But this time when I e-mailed, she suggested I come in and see her since it had been 9 months since I've seen her. For some reason, I had this paranoid feeling she was gonna hit me up with "it's time to start weaning you off the Wellbutrin". Because I was only taking it for PPD, I guess I was just scared that she would think since I'm doing better (on most days) that I should start to discontinue it. Okay, that scared the shit out of me, honestly. I rely on my Wellbutrin like I rely on my heart beating every minute of the day. So what if I'm dependent on my little happy pill?? I'm not ashamed to admit that..it's honestly the one thing that I think keeps me from coming unglued most of the time. There's no way in hell I ever wanna go back to where I was mentally 9 months ago with my PPD.

Originally, I was going to ask Tim if he could work from home in the morning so I didn't have to bring the little twins with me (Cole and Bella have preschool today). But turns out he had an appointment already scheduled for work so I had to bring the little twins with me...I figured maybe that would work in my favor, though, if they happened to have a meltdown during my appointment. My plan was to burst into tears and say "See...do you see why I desperately NEED you to refill my scrip?"

So Dr P calls me back to her office and she says "oh, I see you have one set of twins with you today". Yup, I sure do. Then she comments on how well-behaved and adorable they are. Damn...I was hoping they'd be screaming bloody murder by now and that she'd immediately write me a scrip and say "go the pharmacy right now and fill your order....run, don't walk". But she just kept making googly-eyes at them and in return they were flirting back with her. Damn, damn, damn!! Why is it when I want them to be calm and easy-going they act like Demon Spawn but when I actually want them to be, um, spirited (yeah that's a more positive spin), they are little gentlemen acting as if they've never had a tantrum to save their lives.

She then asks how I'm doing and I reply "well, I'm doing okay 80% of the time but I do still have my moments and when I do, they're pretty bad...like I can't stop crying bad, like I wanna disappear into thin air bad". She says "oh". Then she looks at her computer and stares at it for what seemed like an eternity. I was already practicing in my head how I was gonna throw myself on my hands and knees before her and BEG for a new scrip. I'm sure that would make me look totally unstable and insane, right? Who on earth wants to be seen as unstable and insane? That in and of itself proves right there that I should stay on Wellbutrin.

Then after staring at her computer a really really really long time, she finally says "well, that's great that you feel good 80% of the time. And it's normal for you to have bad days here and there...that's just a normal part of motherhood and daily life. You seem to be handling your kids really well. Do you think you still NEED the Wellbutrin?" and without missing a beat I said "YES" and I admitted that I was scared to stop it....so scared of going back to that dark, ugly place I was at 9 months ago. She asked me if I thought going down to a lower dosage would be okay and I said no. So she agreed to refill my scrip and asked me if I would prefer a 1-month supply or a 100-day supply....duh! I asked for the 100-day supply and I agreed to have a follow-up appt with her after that 3 months to discuss weaning off the Wellbutrin. She said she likes to see her patients wean off of it after being on it for 12 months and she also pointed out that at that point I'll be 19 months post partum and SHOULD be well past the PPD.

So I walked out feeling as if I had won a victory of sorts. Maybe it's bad that I'm dependent on the Wellbutrin, I dunno. And perhaps I would be fine if I were to discontinue it right now. But something in my gut says I'm just not ready....and I'm okay with that.
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