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Sunday Regurgitation - "10 reasons my kids will need therapy when they're older"

Posted Jun 07 2009 11:12pm
One of my bloggy buddies, Andrea from Creative Junkie, came up with the idea of Sunday Regurgitation and I loved it so much that I "borrowed" it.....again.....for the 5th time. The whole idea is to go back and find an old post and re-post it (or for lack of better words, in my case, I'm just too lazy to come up with something entertaining today....). If you need a good laugh, definitely go check her blog out. I promise she will turn your frown upside down.

So here's an oldie, but goodie.....

"10 Reasons My Kids Will Need Therapy When They're Older"

1) They've had to learn their lessons the hard way. They have been begging me for a new pet (even though we've had the same cat since before they were born....apparently, she doesn't count as a pet). Cat or dog? Doesn't matter as long as it's alive with fur. I keep telling them we have a no-pet rule until they can all wipe their own butts (sufficiently enough to not leave skid marks, thank you very much). The other day, after listening to them talk yet again about wanting a pet, I said, "Okay, guys....I'll let you in on a secret. I got you a new cat but he can't come home with us for a few more days. Wanna see his picture?". Of course, they did. So I showed them this picture....

After looking at their stunned faces, I said, "What's the matter? Isn't he adorable? Look at his blazing green eyes...they seem to glow, don't they? Won't he be nice to wake up to in the middle of the night? You won't even need a nightlight when Satan comes to live with us.....oh, I didn't tell you his name is Satan? Silly me". Cole said, "Mommy, I don't want a pet anymore". It's a pity that they have to learn lessons the hard way but it sure nipped the "we want a pet" conversations in the bud...they may fight a good battle, but Mommy always wins the war.

2) Mommy and Daddy's warped sense of humor. Last Saturday, we took the kids to the park and Bella proudly said to Tim, "Daddy, wanna watch me do the pole?" (referring to the pole that kids can slide down on from the climbing structure). He started laughing, then I started laughing. She looked confused and said, "what's so funny?". Oh, nothing...it's just that our minds are always in the gutter. I joked to him, "Hopefully, that's not a foreshadowing of what's to come in her future but, if it is, at least she'll be able to put herself through college".

3) I vacillate between "helicopter parenting" and "just-walk-it-off parenting". One minute I'm standing right next to them, holding their hands as they go up the climbing structure at the playground (the same one they've climbed up a million times already)....then the next minute, I watch from afar as they trip over a step and fall, and then yell out to them, "Just walk it off". Nothing like a little confusion to keep the kids on their toes.

4 ) I have given them each bizarre nicknames, which will stick with them until I go to my grave. Peanut (or just Nutty), Dude-Z Dog (or just Dog), Evil (or just E) and Chicken (or just Chickie). It's sick, I know. Even their nicknames have nicknames. And I have no shame....I see nothing wrong with being in a room full of people and calling out to my kids, "Hey, Nutty and Dog....go grab Chickie and Evil...it's time to go".

5) I plan on chaperoning each of them to the prom. That should kill any plans they might have had for engaging in underage drinking and sexual activities. Enough said.

6) Mommy and Daddy are guilty of dropping the "F-bomb" when we think little ears aren't listening. But you know they're always listening, ever present to point out that Mommy and Daddy said a bad word, which makes God sad. But then I quickly follow that up with, "Yes, that may be true but it makes God even sadder when children bring attention to their parent's faults."

7) They will eventually figure out that all the white lies I've told them as children are just plain BS. They'll figure out that every time they pick their noses, angels don't really cry and that watching too much tv does not, in fact, cause them to have explosive and painful gas, and there is no such thing as sugar bugs who poop all over their teeth when they forget to brush twice a day. I'll have the last laugh, though, when I overhear them telling their kids the same crap.

8) "Do as I say, not as I do" is my parenting motto. I can eat candy right before dinner, leave my dirty clothes on the floor, and wear sandals in 40 degree weather. My kids, however, are not permitted the same privileges. When they say, "But, Mommy, you do it"....I smile and say, "Yes, but Mommy always says...repeat it with me....do as I say, not as I do".

9) When my kids want to discuss sensitive topics with me, I stress about it way more than they do. Take, for instance, the time Cole asked me why one of his preschool buddies has two moms. I just stared at him for a few seconds and said, "ummmm, hmmmm, yeah....about that....ummmm...can I get back to you on that?" Thank the Lord for the internet. I spent half the afternoon reading articles online after googling "how to talk to your preschooler about same-sex relationships". And then I wrote a script of what I wanted to say and consulted my notes the whole way through the conversation, as beads of sweat dripped from off my forehead. After "the talk", he shrugged his shoulders and said, "oh, okay", as if he was already trying to think of what he should color on the piece of paper laying in front of him rather than focusing on anything I was saying. In the future, I'll leave these heavy conversations for Tim to handle.

10) My sarcasm is misunderstood sometimes. I often forget that little kids do not have the same sense of humor or the knack for sarcasm that we adults have. Like the time, Bella complained about having to eat veggies with her dinner every night. She said, "Well, Kaitlin said her mom never makes her eat veggies" and I replied, "Then go move in with Kaitlin and her mom". Bella smiled and said, "Cool". I thought nothing of it until Kaitlin's mom greeted me the next day with, "So I hear Bella is moving in with us because I don't make my kid eat her vegetables?". I stumbled my way through that conversation as well, with "um, yeah...about that...."
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