These two pictures are from Race for the Cure — for Breast Cancer and below who would like some kisses
First, THANK YOU everyone for all of your comments and support, I love how I can always count on you guys — so now I have a few questions. Stacy so you know I in no way took that comment as a bad thing, matter of fact I cried through most of it as I am still trying to figure things out. (So if you don’t want to read the ramblings and want to know where I need some advice skip to the end…) Thanks to Oprah’s mommy show that I still have saved on the DVR because well I may still need it, I have spent the last month trying to cut down on the things I am trying to do and keep only the things that I can do with no solid deadlines as I never know from day to day what my day is going to be like (or I have weeks and weeks to complete something simple). I also am trying to cut out anything that requires anything of me when the twins are awake, we will get to the why of that later. I have spent a month getting rid of things and am down to pretty much this blog, the Etsy store (which is well not going anywhere — and right now is just extras of stuff I made for Little Princess or Little Man) and Grown In My Heart – though I bet that I have forgotten a few things and let me tell you that not all people are happy when you explain that you are not going to do something because you are putting your family first. I realized that that being home all the time and having the time to do things are two completely different things and making the cuts has not been easy.
I also know that when I am stressed out and unhappy so is Little Man at least — Little Princess is well a completely different story. Lately Little Man has been what has helped me keep it together most of the time – his shell has been broken and he is so cute and so well funny! (I just won a pocket video camera so as soon as it arrives you will all get to see what I do because he does not act like this when others are around.) Lately he is trying to talk more and do funny things like turn summersaults!
Here is where one of my problems lie – I have never done well with no adult interaction. While we stay home A LOT and have no real plans for the week except Wednesdays (every week at least one therapist comes for one or both children) so then plans can be made or not made as necessary. But as my adult interaction dwindles I become stressed out and upset – not good wife or mommy material. The problem is I am having a harder time getting the twins out of the house alone. Last night I mentioned to Aaron about how he has never done it – had to get them, their bags, and everything else out the door to the car and then taken them to run errands got all the errands ran and back home by himself. His responses “You say that like you want me to do it to torture me” I initially said it just to say hey you know just once I want you to see what I have to go through – but it started a semi-fight. See he thought of it as torture – so how does he think I feel when I am trying to get out of the house with both of them? It used to take me a few minutes to get out the house now it takes over an hour, involves at least one meltdown for each child and by the time I am in the car I really just want to get back out and go back in the house. The zoo is a block from our house and because of everything I need when I am there “just in case” I have to drive and park, not so fun for mommy. I NEED to get out more as I feel like I am trapped and someone is jailing me but getting out just makes things worse — so help what can I do? (Oh yeah thanks to the insane work hours I worked prior to bringing the twins home I have almost no friends in the area so no one to come over and chat while the twins are sleeping or hang out with at night and I am scared to death that I am scaring Alison off because she is pretty much it… Also, I usually have a hard time making friends for one reason or another – another post for another day.) So any ideas?
Also, we have a GREAT routine and it usually works – except recently Little Princess has had a MASSIVE change in behavior. She is usually our happy go lucky child who rarely has a problem with anything. She is usually all smiles, very few fits, and wants to play ALL the time. She was every parents dream child until the last few weeks – she has had constant fits, she is refusing to eat a lot (she used to eat EVERYTHING), she HATES everyone but me or Aaron and really that changes from day to day ask her Grandpa, she is impossible to console, she used to just lay down and go to sleep if she was tired but now she has to be held and placed in her crib and her back patted until she falls asleep or we have another unending fit, and I could go on and on about the changes in her behavior. We have been trying to figure out what the problem is and the only thing we can think of is that we saw the same thing with Little Man when he was about to start walking — remember those fits and how mad he was all the time, we thought he was jealous but after he started really walking he became a completely different child. And since Little Princess took her first real unassisted step on Saturday – we think maybe this is our problem. We had read that sleep patterns etc…can be disturbed when a child is reaching a new major milestone. We wonder if this is not the issue but we will not know until she starts walking. (The other thing that we have read is some children have behavior completely unlike them for a few weeks before a major seizure — something we do not want to happen BUT I am constantly watching her and praying is not the case here.) But with her being this way I cannot take her anywhere as she is unmanageable by myself and I cannot calm her so I get A LOT of stares – so I stay home for this reason as well. Even at home it makes it hard to play and have fun even with her brother – so the fun is gone.
Also, if either or both of them are awake I cannot even talk on the phone let alone complete any project. They battle for my attention and hate when I even go to the bathroom (though that is getting much better as well). I am not complaining about spending time with them or helping them reach the next milestone – I actually enjoy that most of the time. I love reading to them, teaching them new things, and watching them try new things such as climbing the stairs or putting together puzzles! But this means anything I want to do that is not something they can “help” with has to be done during nap time (which is usually when I try to clean or start dinner) or after they are in bed and before I go to bed, provided they stay asleep. This in and of itself has helped me to cut out A LOT of things as they are impossible to do with the twins hanging on me or throwing a fit, and yes I tried it before I cut things out trust me – nothing got done and I mean NOTHING!
I have even tried to live the same way as I did BEFORE the twins but that is IMPOSSIBLE. I know for a fact that I could not work and do everything — no ifs ands or buts about that. Aaron agrees. While I know this – I absolutely HATE being a stay at home mom — I am NOT ok with it and something Stacy said hit the nail on the head “It was only when I decided that being a mom, the one thing I had always dreamed of being, HAD to be my one and only priority for awhile. I had to learn to love myself as a MOM and WIFE… not as a mom, wife, blogger, nurse, etc. etc. etc. etc.” As always I am still learning – and I have a lot to learn. I have been trying to make things better but have not been trying to deal with the feelings I have regarding my recent transition to SAHM – even though I said I would deal with them when I watched that same Oprah show that got me thinking about decluttering my life and making things easier. So how do I work though these feelings? Like I said I feel like I am being punished for something — most days I just wait for bedtime and then hurry to get me time, sleep get up and do it again the next day, especially lately. While teaching and learning are fun with these two the teaching and learning is so short lived that within and hour I am back to where I started for the next eight hours…I believe this is necessary for me to stay home until October at least – I mean it took 7 and a half months to break Little Man out of his shell and I think the attachment is JUST starting to come, it is quite the journey. I don’t plan to stop it now it may cause more damage than good. So how do I become ok with staying at home? This was never part of my plan not even a little and after being here for this long you would think I would be ok but I am not, not even close…..so help.
As many of you said I am completely a type A people pleaser – making what I have been trying to do and keep up with until about a month ago IMPOSSIBLE but make me feel like I am a complete failure. I see all these other mommy bloggers who seem to be able to do it all — even working in the middle it all and it makes me feel more like a complete failure. I am starting to say NO – which is hard and just wait until we have to say NO to one of our families for the first time — trust me it will not be pretty. And my family is first in my mind – my children and my husband, even though there are times I am pretty sure my children are out to get me (I am just kidding…kind of). I just need to keep some things for ME — my husband and children would suffer if I was not happy even if those things are more or less fit in when I have time which recently is not very often. I will also say that I will not be taking on any new things any time soon — as in for at least six or seven more months so that I can figure out what is going on (maybe I made this decision so that I do not have to start working out again until then but hey it is a positive step forward right?). And I am all about finding things to help make things easier for me or make it so that I can do some things to help entertain two active almost 2 years olds who only communicate with me on their own level and no real words yet….we also have a meeting next month to decide if we have graduated from some of our therapies — which I think we will be graduating from one and adding one (right now we have speech/feeding and developmental and we will be adding physical therapy — and they all come to our house once every week we have an appointment with one of the first two and once a month for the last one). The one thing the therapist do is make me feel good as they are always impressed that I work with the twins to get them to the point they are – I mean I really do not want therapy forever so I do work with them EVERY day or at least I try! So my theory is I will add something new when therapy is done…hopefully in six or seven months.
Ok so I will shut up now but to summarize this rambling here is what I am looking for help on:
(1) How do I become more at peace with being a stay at home mom?
(2) How do I keep my brain active as trust me toddler babble and giggle wars just do not do it?
(3) What are some great activities I can do with TWO toddlers who have very different interests and attention spans…the more ideas the merrier there AND
(4) How do I ask for more help from people outside my usual zone of people I ask for help from (or not to burn those people out – like say poor Alison)