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Smizing … The Man-Handed, Gurning, Dolly Parton Boobed Lady

Posted Feb 16 2010 3:02am

On Sunday I had a photo-shoot at home for a magazine article I’ve been interviewed for. Unlike the last one I did which involved the whole family (including the dog) and a partial nervous breakdown this one was just me.

In nervousness I straightened my hair to the point that I’m surprised the photographer didn’t arrive to find me partially bald. I practiced certain looks in the mirror. Don’t laughlet’s just sayI am not blessed with a photogenic face and in most photos I look like I’m gurning.

I’d been told that there would be clothes for me to wear and wasn’t disappointed to see the photographerWillpulling a large neon pink suitcase behind him up the path. When he opened the suitcase he retrieved a tiny bag from within and I went upstairs to get changed. There were two topswhich were too small. The Husband stood back in horror as I tried to shove my humongous boobs into the tops to no avail. There were also some lovely bracelets but due to my ‘man-hands’ I couldn’t get them on.

I can only picture the image you have in your mind of me now; The gurningman handedDolly Parton boobed lady.

It’s all true.

I returned downstairs to inform Will that the clothes didn’t fit and was I alright in my own clothes? He told me something ‘less black’ would be good. I’m no gothbut95% of my wardrobe is black. I eventually found a purple top and put a black cardigan on over it. He was happy enough with my ensemble and we were ready to go.

He asked me to stand in the bay window so he could test the light and take some test shots. I was nervousbut we started chatting and I started to relax.

Once we started he asked me to take my cardigan off which wasn’t a problem but all I could think about were MAHOOSIVE bingo wings. I don’t have massive bingo wingsbut I certainly have more ‘armage’ than I’d like.

I tried a bit of ’smizing’. Something I learnt from watching America’s Next Top Model religiouslyoccasionally.  When I researched the word smizeto make sure I was spelling it correctly I came across two definitions;

Definition 1. The condition of having ejaculate in one’s eyewhich stings like the dickens.

and …

Definition 2.“Smile with you eyes”as coined by Tyra Banks on the thirteenth cycle of America’s Next Top Model

I was definitely doing definition 2. Definitely. I believe definition 1 would have been a totally different sort of shoot involving no clothing whatsoever and a fluffer.

I was told not to smile with my mouth or my eyes. Apparently they don’t like smiling with the eyes or mouth in these sorts of shoots.

To be fair in all the excitement of the moment I had totally lost focus. The article the shoot is for is about my other ’serious blog’ A Mum Shaped Hole which is about my Mother’s death when I was a child.

I assumed the ‘funeral face’ look which was slightly difficult. Difficult because Will had now asked me to sit on a 1 inch wide windowsillstick my feet on the radiator and stare at an invisible spot on the wall. It did my back problems no favours.

After a while we swapped rooms and I noticed a text from Facebook WifeMother of 1 on my phone which said;

Obviously too busy to answerI was just ringing in case you needed a fluffer. Or is it not that kind of shoot?

Clearly she’s a definiton 1 kind of girl.

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