Signs of Advanced Motherhood

Since I wrote a BOOK yesterday, today will be some short and sweet thoughts that had me chuckling.

Signs of Advanced Motherhood

Maybe it starts when you realize rock concerts give you a headache.  Or that you’re offering to cut up other people’s food.  Or you catch yourself ending a discussion with, “Because I’m the mother, that’s why.”  You’ve reached a new level of motherhood.  All the warning signs are there.  You know you’ve crossed the threshold into advanced mommydom when:

• You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal.
• You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your son’s favorite toy car and made him cry.
• You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
• Your child throws up and you catch it.
• Someone else’s kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.
• You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.
• You’ve mastered the art of placing large quantitites of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
• Your child insists that you read Once Upon a Potty out loud in teh lobby of Grand Central terminal, and you do it.
• You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child bits his toast into the shape of a gun.
• You hope ketchup is a vegetable because its the only one your child eats.
• You convince your child that FAO Schwarz is a toy museum, not a store.
• You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.

I would like to add a couple:

• Does it count as advanced if I can’t remember to close the door when I go pee?  And then I clap when I keep my panties clean?
• In a public washroom, pretend we are discussing THEIR products of elimination, not MINE.

Have I mentioned yet that we are ALL potty trained?  I have to get the potty humor out now,  because darlin’, I’ll have NOTHING TO TELL soon!  Woot!

I don’t want any more children…. do they have walk-in hysterectemy clinics?