First off, let me just say...no, I’m not pregnant. Could you imagine? With my luck, it’d be another set of twins…or maybe even triplets.
But then, perhaps I'd get my own reality show, where viewers would be treated to watching me lose my mind on an hourly basis, gulping wine directly from the bottle at exactly 5:30 pm every day and praying for strength and patience on such a continuous basis that even God dreads hearing from me.
Shell at Things I Can't Say is hosting a fun meme called Rockin' The Bump...so it's an opportunity to show off your baby bump.
Or you can use it to your advantage like I'm doing and hope that some sex-crazy teenager who thinks it'd be "really neat" to have a set of twins will stumble upon my belly pics and be scared straight.
Yeah, scared straight as in, "Is it humanly possible for my belly to get THAT huge?"
Absolutely, it sure can. In addition to the amazingly expanded belly, you also get saggy boobs, stretch marks, varicose veins and, if you're super lucky, hemorrhoids.
Wait, that's not it...you'll also have a pelvic floor so weak that you will pee in your pants every single time you sneeze or cough. And it never improves, only gets worse as you age.
You'll have your sweet, adorable children to thank for all that and more.
Do what I do...when they scream at you, "You never do anything for us!", you can strip down to your birthday suit and answer, "Oh yeah?! Then tell me why my body looks like THIS!"
Moving on, here I am at 31 weeks pregnant with Cole and Bella, the first set of twins. This was actually at my baby shower, which my sister had hosted.
Don't you just love the look on my face? It's almost as if I'm thinking, "I'm really going to be a mother...holy shit! I don't even know how to change a freakin' diaper!"
Right before everyone arrived, she asked me when was the last time I took a belly pic and I had shrugged my shoulders. So she insisted on taking one, explaining, "You never know when one of these preterm labor runs is going to turn into the real thing...trust me, someday you'll thank me for taking this picture".
And the very next day, I landed my fat, pregnant ass back in the hospital again on strict bed rest. Cole and Bella were born the following week.
The next set of pictures is from when I was 18 weeks and then 32 weeks pregnant with Garrett and Landon...they would be the second set of twins.
Notice I had no shame in baring my naked and bruised belly (from the Heparin shots). Also, take note of the fact that I did not include my face in the pics...because I was freakin' tired AND I knew what was in store for me, after having already experienced the first set of twins.
If you could've seen my face, it probably would've read, "I can't believe we're frackin' doing this all over again. Shit, holy crap...the sleep deprivation is so gonna suck!"
I look like such a beached whale in this next picture. But at least my belly was finally bigger than my ass.
See, I do have a "glass is half full" mentality when the situation calls for it.
This was my last belly pic...2 weeks later I gave birth at 34 weeks.
Looking at these pictures actually makes me miss being pregnant.
Don't worry, though, my uterus and ovaries are shriveling up in revolt and horror right along with the rest of you as I sit here and type...