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Rhymes With "Furby"

Posted Jan 09 2010 12:00am
Suggestions for stay at home parents approached by traveling vacuum cleaner salespeople at two thirty PM:

-Do not believe them when they tell you that the demonstration will only take "an hour or so." "Or so," in salesperson-speak, translates to "or three."

-Do not be lured by their offer to remove any stains on your carpet or upholstery if you'll just allow them to do their demo. Those stains you can deal with. The shame and feeling of violation from being subjected to their demo? You're going to live with that forever.

-Do not think that your firm, initial pronouncement of "I am NOT going to buy this vacuum cleaner" is in any way going to deter them from trying to convince you to eat that statement. Do not think that they even HEAR you when you say things like that.

-Once you have allowed these people inside, do not have any hope of getting anything done for the next three hours. You are their prisoner now. Even saying things like, "I have company coming in thirty minutes!" will barely seem to register on these people's radars as they continue waving freshly procured containers of mattress dust in your face and demanding, "Do you want your CHILDREN sleeping in this?!"

-Also note that these people don't arrive in their own vehicle. They get dropped off, with their vacuum cleaner- er, I mean, HOME MAINTENANCE SYSTEM- and then have to wait for their ride. Which is apparently NOT COMING until you agree to keep said home maintenance system.

-Do not believe them when they write down an initial figure of $2150 as the going rate for this vacuum. An hour later, after much insistence from you that no one in your house is paying the cost of a TROPICAL VACATION for a VACUUM CLEANER, the offer will be down to $700.

-This offer, they will insist, is COSTING THEM money, but they just can't bear to leave you here with your sad, broken down, inefficient canister vacuum that is basically BLOWING AROUND FILTH every time you vacuum. They just CAN'T DO IT. They will be near tears at this point, imploring you to THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

-You should know that smirking and accusing them of being the Mother Theresa of vacuum salesmen, what with their kindhearted generosity and selflessness, will in no way stop their tangent. They will only agree that yes, that is pretty much the situation at this point, and you would be a foolish and ungrateful woman to refuse such an act of charity when you SO OBVIOUSLY are in need.

-Finally agree to call your (unsuspecting, soon to be bewildered) husband at work and present him with the offer, since you insist that you're not going to make such a big purchase without consulting him. Allow the salespeople to hear you try your darndest to convince your husband of the vacuum's merit, allow them to hear the great disappointment in your voice when you fail, and assure them that you are indeed brokenhearted, but now you REALLY MUST send them on their way before you BLUDGEON THEM TO DEATH with the many attachments for the home maintenance system, all twenty of which are now littering your living room.

Suggestions for Vacuum Cleaner Salespeople:

-Do not offer a mom of small children a crappy little jar candle in exchange for taking up three hours of her afternoon. Especially when those three hours were going to involve a shower, a napping toddler, and several loads of laundry, all of which are about to go undone. The candle is just adding insult to injury at this point.

-When enthusiastically demonstrating the horsehair dusting attachment, try not to wildly jerk around the homeowner's lamps, vases, picture frames, etc. leaving these objects askew and teetering precariously from their shelves. Nearly breaking people's stuff is not going to further endear you.

-Nor is forgetting to close the dirt canister, and sucking up a bunch of black soot from behind the fireplace only to deposit it all over the off white carpet. It may provide another opportunity to demonstrate your remarkable carpet shampooer tool, sure, but it makes you look kind of like a tool as well.

-There is no need to remark on the fingerprints all over the homeowner's TV. This has nothing to do with your demonstration and is therefore off limits.

-Don't suggest that a particular attachment (ambiguously called the "it" tool) could be useful for MASSAGING THE FAMILY DOG. Just... wth?

-Please try not to scare the household children by playfully sucking at their clothes with the vacuum hose.

-Trying to win them back over by blowing up balloons with the air compressor tool will probably be a big success, though. Good work there.

Bonus Fun!

Which of the following will happen immediately after getting rid of the vacuum salespeople?

A: Realization that house is fairly trashed and that the shampooed areas of carpet and upholstery are NOT yet dry as was promised.

B: Desperate run to shower and clean up before cousins and pizza and husband arrive (due in twenty minutes.)

C: Son will, for first time in his life, unroll an entire spool of TP into the toilet and flush repeatedly, so that upon tearing open the shower curtain, your naked, dripping self is greeted with the sight of a flooded bathroom and a sopping wet toddler.

D: A Fair Amount of wine will be consumed, and you will eventually cry in despair.

E: You realize the next morning that a LOT of the disaster that was the previous day can now be chalked up to PMS.

F: All of the above. And more.
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