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"Mommy, I wanna stay home with you"

Posted Jan 14 2009 8:56pm
Guilt....that's all I ever feel these days...Guilt. How come no one ever tells you the huge amount of guilt you feel as a parent?? I feel guilty about everything....this morning, Bella threw her sippy cup at me and hit me in the mouth so I reprimanded her for it. I didn't yell at her, I didn't spank her...I simply said "Bella, we've been over this a million times. It's not okay to throw things, especially throwing things at other people. You hurt Mommy". She responded by crying...she broke down into huge tears and put her head on my belly and said "I'm sorry, Mommy". How did I respond? I ended up crying right along with her (most of this could probably be blamed on pregnancy hormones, I'm sure)...I worry that every little thing I do or say to my children will scar them for life. I was talking to my mom and stepdad the other day about how to handle Bella's middle-of-the-night wakings and they kept offering suggestions, none of which seemed pleasing to me. Then my stepdad finally said "just leave her in her room to cry" and I finally threw out the horrible truth...I said "I'm afraid she'll feel neglected and abandoned if I do that"....okay, so that's the sad, ugly truth. That's why I feel guilty all the time....most of the time, as a parent, I'll respond to my children's inappropriate behavior the way I should...I give them a time-out, I reprimand them verbally, I try to teach them the appropriate way to do things but then there are times, especially when they cry, that I have a hard time following through. I just feel so guilty all the time about everything. Is this normal? I have no idea.....

So this morning, the kids were getting ready to go off to preschool and I asked Bella if she likes school. She said "no, I don't like school" and I asked her if she likes her teacher, Miss Lindsey, and she said "no". Then she said "Mommy, I wanna stay home with you". Now I know this really isn't true about her not liking school because I call everyday to check on them and I'm told they're having a great day, and when Tim picks them up in the afternoon, neither of them want to leave school. They're learning so much...it's incredible! Cole can count to 10, he knows his primary colors and most basic shapes. Bella hasn't caught on as quickly, probably because she's too much of a motor-mouth in class and doesn't pay attention in circle time the way Cole does. But just hearing her say she wants to stay home with me broke my heart....being on bedrest now and being as hugely pregnant as I am, I just can't keep up with them anymore. I notice during the weekends I have lots more contractions and I'm more tired when they're home so I know having them in preschool more right now is necessary. It just makes me so sad to think of them being away from home 4 days a week. At first, when they started school, I was loving the freedom and the ability to run a simple errand by myself without having to drag them along with me. I remember one day saying to my sister "I actually got in and out of the grocery store in less than 10 minutes....10 MINUTES....can you believe that?"....I didn't have to stop by the florist section to get them each a balloon and listen to them fight over who had what balloon, I didn't have to stop at the bakery to let them pick out a muffin to share and listen to them fight over who ended up with the biggest half of the muffin...I just whizzed through the store and got what I needed and left.

But now that I'm on bedrest and they're in school 4 days a week instead of just 2 days a week, I'm finding that I really miss them. They are at such a fun stage right now...very expressive, very verbal and so full of life and personality that I can honestly just sit there and watch them for hours and find something to laugh about. Last night, they were sitting on the sofa drinking their "hot milk" and stuffing their mouths with a banana while watching Dora the Explorer (I love this show and I credit it for teaching them Spanish!!) and I just sat there staring at them, in awe of how beautiful they are and finally getting what it means when a parent says they're heart is so full of love for their child. And then Bella spit milk on Cole and he started screaming as if she had just poured acid on his face and the moment was gone....

So forgive me for this being such a down post....I'm just really missing my kids right now and feeling completely useless as I lay on the sofa for most of the day. Some of my friends have said to me "enjoy the bedrest...enjoy the break because your life as you know it is about to go completely nuts after you have the babies"....I know this is true and I know I'll look back on this time of bedrest and wish I had enjoyed it more. But it's hard when I feel so freakin guilty all the time....
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