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Progress. And how the crazy one determines if she’s progressing.

Posted Nov 28 2009 10:00pm

I noticed something last night when I was writing my excuses for not blogging.  First, I noticed that nowhere in that list is my faith, church, or the big guy himself.

I also noticed that – WOW!  I’m doing much better.  There was a time (last year) when any interruptions in the ‘norm’ sent me to bed for a week.  there was a time (not so long ago) when I needed sedatives to get through the day.  And day.  And day.   But stresses have come and gone in the last several months.  And i’ve survived.  And with only teeny tiny setbacks.

Sometimes, with really unpredictable massive depressive episodes, it is difficult to see progress.  Just when I think I’m getting somewhere emotionally, and feeling on top of my game, I get slammed with another complete melt down.  And, as is THE most annoying thing about mental illness, there is nothing I can do to ‘think’ myself out of it.  My own perspective is skewed, so there’s no reason for me to believe that this is temporary or passing, or any of those comforting things we like to tell ourselves when we’re distressed.  No.  In my thinking I am ‘ill’, and therefore unable to determine if my present mindset is permanent or fleeting.  That’s where my Psychologist comes in.  She’s my miracle worker.  I will definitely write about her – it is one of those ‘how to find the right shrink’ experiences.   Anyway, glad I’m not there right now.  And, looking back over several months, I haven’t been there as often as say, last spring.  In the big picture things are looking up!

Look at me!  All peppy.  N stuff.

So that’s it for me for a while now.  I’m in the airport, going to see Mom get married again.  (Have I said how very weird that is?)  And its time to get together with the whole dysfunctional kit-n-kaboodle(by that, I mean family but ’shhhhhhh’, some read this blog).   Not to worry – I packed my sedatives.  I’m prepared.

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