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Prisoner in My Own Home

Posted Aug 25 2008 6:27pm

I can breathe again now that E is back at school today. I actually took a two hour nap! Score one for the team! My preschool (well not mine -although I could brush up on my clean-up time skills) takes off so many holidays it's annoying. They actually celebrate each of the different presidents' birthdays instead of wrapping it up in one day like the rest of the sane world. Don't they realize I've become spoiled by having her entertained all day by people who enjoy making Play-Doh from scratch and gluing glitter to a paper plate? I'm basically good for a trip to the 99 Cents Store and some stickers before the TV goes on. By the way, the comedian, Demetri Martin in his comedy special calls glitter "the herpes of craft supplies" which makes me laugh so hard because every so often I'll look over at my husband and see a little piece of glitter on his eye. Either he's secretly hitting the gay bars at night or somehow that glitter is impossible to ever completely get rid of.

So I realized that one of the more depressing aspects of having twins and a toddler (at least at this early stage of the game - and probably for a long time to come) is that it's virtually impossible to leave the house at night. When it was just my daughter, Jon could easily put E to bed if I wanted to run out and meet a friend for a drink or do stand-up or just go to Hyde and do a couple of lines with Lindsay Lohan, Brit Brit and the gang. But now, not so much. How do you leave someone with newborns and a toddler? So we're trapped in our home each and every night for now. I'm trying to come up with other activities besides binge drinking and online poker to get through the evenings. Here are a few things I've come up with:

1. Attempt to read the National Enquirer but only make it through the blind items page where you have to figure out who they're talking about (assume all stories are about Burt Reynolds) before getting too tired and falling asleep.

2. Wash bottle nipples for the eightieth time of the day.

3. Think very seriously about showering but realize that blow drying would have to be involved and that would wake up the toddler who JUST FINALLY FELL ASLEEP after being read 80 million stories.

4. Reminisce about the good old days when showering could happen any old time.

5. Try to remember the last time I remembered to put on deoderant.

6. Make a list of other restaurants in the neighborhood that could possibly deliver dinner besides the one Chinese restaurant that knows our order by heart.

7. Try try try to get excited about The Apprentice for a season but fail miserably.

8. Put in a load of laundry but then forget to put it in the dryer until days later when it smells kind of funky and I have to redo it.

9. Eat a handful of cashews and promise myself I'll stop there. Finish the whole bag.

10. Google myself.

BTW, Matilda is now weighing in at a hefty 8 pounds and Sadie is growing slowly but surely and is now 5 pounds. They received their RSV shots - which preemies need in the winter but sometimes insurance companies don't cover. At 1500 bucks each so 3 grand a pop for the next three months we wouldn't have been able to easily do it. But it was covered!

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