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Plan B: Meet the Cast of The New Emergency Contraceptive Drama

Posted May 03 2013 1:47pm
The political and legal battle over access to emergency contraceptives left the realm of common sense and empirical evidence years ago. In other words, this one's ripe for a fall pilot. Listen up, Lifetime, OWN. Plan B? Are you kidding me? With that ready-made tv title, how could you ignore this latest addition to the medical drama line-up or the political line-up.  Move over Scandal. Olivia Pope and Fitzy you're not the only hot mess in town. 

In case you've lost the plot on the real-life Plan B brouhaha, here's the screen version:

ACT ONE

In pharmacies across the nation emergency contraceptives wait patiently on shelves alongside toothpaste and tampons at the ready for young women aged 17 and older, no prescription necessary and no sign of the battle about to come.

President Obama (Rose Garden, 2009): And so I pledge to you, my fellow Americans, my public health  decisions from now on will not be subject to political concerns and pressures but based solely and firmly on their scientific and medical merits.

Two years later...

FDA: These drugs are completely safe, we've done the studies, we have the evidence. No worries. We see no scientific or medical reason why females of all ages shouldn't pop these pills. Without a doctor's note. Over-the-counter.  In plain sight on the pharmacy shelf. Next to the Tylenol and condoms...oops, shampoo. 

President Obama: As you know I have great respect and love for women and girls...of all ages and support their freedom and rights and education.  You know...my wife Michelle.......mumbling...my girls, Malia and Sasha...mumbling...Seneca Falls...Sasha...Malia...

US Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius: Get over it FDA, Barry and I aint gonna let you poison the minds and bodies of young, innocent, fragile girls who might just might and we see no reason why this might occur but in a hypothetical sense might be or might think they might be for some nearly unimaginable reason...pregnant!

Barry: ...the innocence of young girls...as a father, when I think of my own two girls...and their mother and I...ah...Sasha..Malia...Seneca...Sasha...

Kathleen: Come on, people, how can we expect an 11-year to read and understand the directions? It is beyond their cognitive skills set to figure out how to take a single pill.  I don't know if you've been in our schools lately, but hey, between you and me, reading a set of simple instructions is way beyond anything many sixth- or fifth-graders could ever hope to master. No disrespect, Arne.

Secretary of Education Arne Duncan: And let me just reiterate I'm not aware at this point that understanding dosage instructions for emergency contraceptives or other similar medications are part of the core curriculum at this point in time though there is no reason to think they could not be added after careful consideration. So it is with my pleasure that I announce this department's plans to convene a special panel of experts to weigh the merits and costs...blah blah blah.

Years later...

US District Court Judge Edward R. Korman (April 2013): Arne, Barry, Kathleen, I've lost my patience. Plan B for everyone, no prescriptions, no age limits, no hemming, no hawing, no focus groups, no pollsters, no pandering to the right...power to the people, meds for everyone!

Barry: ....you remember my wife Michelle....Malia...

US Department of Justice: Judge Korman, you lost your mind?  We so appeal. You are so appealed. Don't even think of dosing up any young girls.  Not on our watch.

FDA: Sorry, Kormster, um, we changed our minds. Yeah we hear you on the science and the medical stuff but after all the hate mail and threats and such we decided it's not worth it to piss off the White House anymore.  So hey let's make a deal.  Girls younger than 15 get a 'script.  Shake?

NARAL/Pro-Choice America/Women's Groups From Here To Seneca Falls:  Really, Barry? Really? After all we've been through. That beautiful speech. Kathleen, how could you?

Confused Mom: That commie-socialist-Muslim is forcing abortion pills on my daughter and her friends!

Barry: Sasha...Malia....................Sasha...

If you care to read about some facts in the drama here's my post from after Kathleen first smacked down Plan B etc. a couple years ago. Emergency Contraception Vetoed Based on Pigs Flying: Plan B Banned for Girls under 17 .

Who should play the POTUS?  Secretary Sebelius? I might audition for Confused Mom. 

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