Sitting in meetings and listening to speakers who've had a true transformation from the life of alcohol, drugs and other bondage type lifestyles causes me to continually take a look at the patterns in my own life. Sometimes the reality of my choices stops me short. I mean, I didn't use a substance to fill my need or kill my pain. I used myself and let others use me too.
Codependency is one sick character defect. Either you're drinking or swallowing pills or you're not. Either you're snorting, shooting or smoking or you're not. I am not simplifying the battle users have but with codependents it's not always so crystal clear. Every thought, action and decision is suspect for the unhealthy codependent. Behaviorally, our tendencies toward our character defects are often rewarded, thereby not being recognized or called out as harmful. Then suddenly these behaviors or the pattern of such sick thinking reveals itself in patterns and life results that are far reaching and long lasting.
I see and read about so many others who've overcome huge obstacles in their diseases and have also gone on in their personal and professional lives to reach great success. Now, I'm getting it and feel like I can't catch my breath for the race I'm in against the clock of age and time. But I know that this thought is also of my *sickness* too.
The patterns of codependency listed on the CoDA website is rather descriptive and I almost see the list printed with my face being used as the background. Not as a victim or poor me feeling but as an awakening and an amazement in knowing that I've been carrying around these crippling patterns for so long!
Thankfully, in the past 12 months God has brought absolutely amazing people into my life and I am surrounded with those who believe in and encourage me to move forward in my dreams and my recovery. I've been brought to the realization of who has caused the most struggle in my life; who's kept me from achieving my dreams and goals and who's choice it is to change my life's direction for the balance of my days. I've been given the life changing keys.
*We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.*