Parenting Tip# 13,013: Wear Your Babies Well and They Will Try Their Best to Wear You Out, too!
Posted Nov 30 2008 12:22pm
Biker Chick - Halloween 2008
This is Thing Two -- she's my middle girl -- and, exactly 3 days, 9 hours and 15 minutes after Christmas, my colicky, sleep deprived and extremely gastrointestinally-challenged baby girl will turn 13-years-old.
Though, I'm no longer a virgin -- my oldest girl turned 15, this month -- I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that my husband, Garth (not his real name) and I will have another teenager running around the house and (in the not too distant future) 2 more will follow.
Today, however, her father and I are getting ready to rip Thing Two a new one!
Okay, so Thing Two has what's called a pilonidal cyst (a second tiny hole, just above her butt, looks like a dimple, but it's not) and our son (yeah, we've got one of those...too) had the same exact thing removed when he was 14 months old.
Well, our pediatrician at the time saw it during a routine well visit when he was 4 months old and his was extremely obvious and almost looked like (what shall be referred to...from this point on...because, I'm really 12) a second a-hole.
I'll give you a moment to do a mental etch-a-sketch.
So, a couple of doctor visits and MRI's later, we were relieved to learn that (forgive the pun) it bottomed out just above his spine and, if left untreated, would become a severe problem in his teenage years.
Enter, Thing Two.
Nope, not one clue, we had no idea that she even had it (it's supposed to be more prevalent in boys) and, well, I just thought of it as a stray dimple.
"Okay, see this?"
Then, yesterday, the surgeon put pressure on the wound and I nearly fainted.
"Um...[insert a moment of silence, to mark the point where I swallowed my gum and almost choked, here]...is it supposed to do that?"
Yes and (if left untreated) Thing Two will continue to have a leaky butt for the rest of her life.
"I recommend surgery, as soon as possible."
Good. Because, Garth (not his real name) told me that, if Thing Two needs surgery, to insist that Dr. Feel Good do it, this year (I dunno, something about insurance, he handles that part of my brain) honestly, the thought of my poor baby girl having to go through her teenage years, with a leaky butt...well...even if you don't have one (teenager, or leaky butt) you can just imagine, right?
"I don't understand, Mrs. Thompson, why does it have to be before January?"
I dunno, something about insurance...etc...etc...
"Okay, let me call my husband and help me explain it to you."
There was a medical student taking notes and, I swear, he probably thought I was a total nincumpoop and pretty much, you know, right.
"It's a high deductible plan."
[a few minutes later]
"The only date open is December 22nd, but I'm out of the country on vacation."
Aaaand, of course, Dr. Feel Good is the ONLY one in the practice that will perform the procedure.
"Because, it's a real pain in the ass!"
His words, not mine.
"That means we'll have to eat $10,000 before the insurance kicks in."
Oh, I get it, and my husband is very good at breaking it down to a 7th grade level.
" Tell Dr. Feel Good, sorry, but we'll have to find another surgeon and get it done, somewhere else."
[bottom lip begins to quiver]
"By, next month?"
Then, I started to cry and I'm talking a shoulder-heaving, snot-blowing event -- think of every sad ending you've ever seen and then add dead puppies -- well, you know what I mean.
I mean, it was fugly and the surgeon couldn't leave the room fast enough (neither could his assistant) and they both left the medical student with this, I dunno, like....riiiiight, what am I supposed to do now?...sort of look on his face.
Honestly, he didn't look much older than Thing Two, the poor guy just shook his head and I pretty much scared him straight into bachelorhood, anyway.
"Just wait, you'll see."
Although, I don't wear my babies, or have to schlep along with a stroller and dozens of sippy cups, anymore -- hat tip to Motringate -- being a mom (or, dad) does NOT get any easier and no amount of pain reliever is going to keep my heart from breaking, over and over again.
"I'm sorry, baby."
Almost forgot about Thing Two, didn't you?
"I just wanna get THIS over with, Momma!"
"Okay, Dr. Feel Good was able to get a patient to switch."
[one beat, two beats, three beats]
"We have Thing Two scheduled for December 15."
"Did you hear that, Sweetie?"
Almost forgot about Garth, didn't you?
"You owe Dr. Feel Good and his staff a big-assed fruit basket!"
Well, looks like we have got a long road ahead of us.
Did I mention, Thing Two still manages to sneak up and scare the living shite out of me?
"I can't sleep."
Yeah, me either, so we spent last night (and most of this morning) just, you know, hugging it out.
"Look on the bright side, at least I get to start my Christmas Vacation, early!"
That's one way to look at it and a pretty gosh-darned good reminder for us moms and dads to keep the holidays simple, too!
"Besides, I don't have to walk to be able to have a sleepover!"