One year ago, my husband came home from work and I quietly told him that I couldn't breathe and that I had chest pains. My doctor called me to go to the ER and soon I left my house and didn't come home until 5 AM the next day.
It was an unpleasant experience. I was under 40 so thus atypical for a woman having a heartattack so I had to beg and beg to be seen because I just couldn't breathe! Finally, I was seen by a doctor but the experience was no better. Nothing they did helped me.
Also, like an idiot, I went to a public hospital and the person next to me behind the curtain was handcuffed to his bed. A row of correction officers lined up around him so that they were facing my bed directly. I tried to sleep but the inmate was snoring like crazy and then when he woke up the officers wouldn't stop chatting. I was in hell and the medication they gave me to help with the breathing didn't do a thing. No one could figure out what was wrong and after that day, I went through a series of tests that all came out negative. Then my internist and I figured out that it was a panic attack. It only took two months to figure it out! Aren't I lucky? Ugh.
Then it took about 8 more months to find a medication after going through 4 doctors, a mountain of medical and babysitting fees. But alas, twelve months from my date with an x-ray machine, I am now pretty much panic-free (knock on wood). It's time to cheer, or is it?
Perhaps it is my nature to be negative. I have to acknowledge that about myself but bottom line is that I am not that happy. As I sit and write this post, I feel an incredible bulge sitting on top of my legs. I feel very uncomfortable and ugly. I am not sure when or why but I have gained about 10-15 lbs but it feels like 20 lbs. I feel really gross.
I should however be thankful for somethings.
Twelve months ago:
I didn't have a babysitter and had no time to myself.
I didn't have ABA therapy for my child which has made our lives so much better
I didn't know where Logan would go to school and the process overwhelmed me
I didn't have a plan as to what I needed to do for my kids' education and my career
I didn't have that many friends with whom I could make plans and have fun
I didn't have a place in the internet world where I could post the lessons that I've learned as a mom of a special needs child fighting tooth and nail to be healthy enough to be a good mother and wife
Now I have a lot of those things and so I need to do a lot of reassess and find out what is that I have to do. It's phase two of Can Mom Be Calm....
My goals by January 1 are:
Wear make up almost everyday
Lose 15 lbs.
Live in a clean house, clear even more clutter
Make social dates for my kids as much as possible
Enroll in a yoga class (for real this time)
Buy clothes that are not monochromatic and boring
Buy comfortable bras even if they are ugly!
Create an afterschool schedule for the kids when it's cold
Have two dates with Kai which includes one where he will actually do the planning
Sell one article as a "real" writer
Stop reading catalogues unless I am actually going to buy something. It's depressing!
I also want to make a note about the lack of posts recently. I am absolutely no plans to close this blog. I have been primarily trying to find another schedule to write rather than at night and consequently I fall asleep really late and this adds to my stress.
You will also see the blog morphing a bit starting with the description of myself. I have evolved a bit and this blog should too. Wish me luck and send me your concerns and ideas. This blog will continue to discuss coping stategies for parents as well as things to help kids improve so that everyone can be happy.
Photo 1: Halloween of last year. A sensory nightmare for Spencer. He trick-or-treating at one house before breaking down. The costume bugged him probably. He didn't like it at all
Photo 2: One year later, and this same costume still bugs him but he's much better about it. He wore a different costume at school without complaint but that is not the same story at home. Why do our kids show us only the very worst behavior?