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Midnight thinking

Posted Jan 30 2014 9:24am
Here I sit...awake as usual. After a long week of trying to get the house cleaned for a few house showings. Hoping to make it just perfect for that special someone who will fall in love with our house and make it theirs. To buy it for what we're asking...what we've put into it for the eighteen years we've owned it.  So far, it seems to be a fairytale falling apart at the seams. Every week, the house gets scrubbed from top to bottom...staged (and pretty good at that, I might add)...
...and then we leave. The kids are stressed, we're stressed...and financially it's killing us.
We're not desperate enough to just give our home away...we loved and cared for it (and still owe on it), but we really need to get into the Summitview house.  We ended up lowering the price $5000. It's very inexpensive, but this is the lowest we can go without losing money. A lot went into the house and we owe it to ourselves to get what we need to close on the other house and be able to fill it with all the appliances and lighting fixture...not to mention, it's a foreclosure, so who knows what is wrong with it...and to have just a little bit of money for a nest egg.
I think we're exhausted from the fight. I know I am.
We're trying to get an extension for the house we want, which will end today.
If that falls through, we lose all the money we put into the new house. The house itself, will be put back on the market and we will have to start from scratch and pray that the house is still on the market when someone does buy our house. Devastated? Yes, but we will not give up. we know this house we have been workng on getting, is the one. Angry at the buyer that backed out? Extremely! Buti kow it's not good to hold grudges and to move on to selling it to someone even more deserving!

What is even more devastating is the fact that a very, very dear friend of mine is laying in a hospital bed and given just a few weeks to live.
If you knew this woman, you'd know how beautiful, positive, full of faith, crazy funny and very loving she is. She's got determination and a love for life which outshines anyone else I've ever known!
I would give up everything materialistic for her to be healed of this stupid cancer that has slowly  ravaged her.
I just want her to be ok, but I know she is in so much pain.
I want to drink champaign with her, just because. I want to laugh at her funny comments, I want to make her a plate of lemon squares, which she loves,  and I want her to live a long life for her kids and grandkids. And it sucks that cancer is taking her...I hate cancer and everything about it!
Miracles do happen, so one can only hope and pray!

I am so eternally grateful to God for bringing Jill into my life and I want her to know that I will hold her near and dear to me forever.
Cancer suck and I am sad and angry at the same time. I have cried so much over how sick she is and the pain she has to endure.
I don't want this for her.

I was afraid to visit her at the hospital...I mean...I'm being honest here. Even though I went through hospice training, when it comes to a close friend...everything went out the window. I was visibly upset walking into the entrance to the hospital. I thought to myself, "I can't just walk into her hospital room empty handed". What was I to get. I looked around the gift shop. Flowers...no. A balloon? Well...most of them said Get Well Soon...I just didn't feel it was appropriate. Not to mention...she is on heavy pain meds, so the balloon might become several weird objects to a drugged up person...I didn't want to do that to her. There were statutes, stuffed animals...nothing quite fitting for my friend and this situation. I just didn't know what to do so I asked this little old lady that was working there. She grabbed my are and told me to hold on. She walked into the back room and I thought to myself that they must have gotten some new merchandise that she didn't get to put out yet. She came back. With tears in her eyes, started to cry. Opened up an envelope that she had and taken out two beaded bracelets with angels on them. She told me to wear one and give the pink one to my friend. This way we will always be together, no matter what. Ok...I started crying at this point. She went on to tell me that someone close made them for her when her husband was very sick in the hospital. She was to wear one and her husband the other. She really wanted us to have them. A total stranger gave us something so meaningful in her life...wow. I was blown away with emotion.
It was a perfect! Simple, but had love, meaning, and a wonderful story of friendship and selflessness behind it.
This woman in the gift shop was an angel in disguise!

I will wear is bracelet with knowing that Jill and I will have a special friendship that cancer won't take away from us...for as long as I live!

I feel like I've been so wrapped up and preoccupied with the houses, the packing, the cleaning, and the move...that I neglected what is really and truly important...Friends and family.  This is why I say that whatever is gong to happen with the house sales...let it. I need to start focusing on my personal relationships. No more of this materialistic cr@p. we're always going to have financial issue, so what if everything falls apart? I'm used to it so...whatever.

I sent my friend this poem which I feel is perfect!

May your days and nights be filled with peace,
And may those you love be near.
May the solace of that closeness
Banish any hint of fear.

May the joy you've brought to others
Fill your soul now with that light,
And the memories of happy times
Fill your dreams through darkest night.

For you've lent your strength to many.
You've upheld us in our strife.
Now let those of us who love you
Let you know just how your life

Has been the brightest beacon
For you've shown us how to bear
With great dignity and courage
Both the bad times and the fair.

As a mentor and a leader
You have always been our guide.
As a friend there's been none better.
May you know all this with pride.

All our prayers and thoughts are with you.
May you feel their soothing grace.
May our care and loving hold you
Here within that sacred space.

So for the next couple of weeks, I will be spending my time with my good friend and not worrying about materialistic stuff that has plagued my thoughts since November. 

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