Cole, CEO of the Department of Extremely Out of Control Energy Bella, President of Whiners Everywhere Garrett, Vice President of Screaming Loudly Landon, Director of Hoarding Toys That Are Not His
From: Your dedicated, hard-working, unbelievably exhausted employee (aka Mommy)
Well, it seems my last memo to you all didn't go over so well. In that memo, I had requested a cut-back on my overtime, implementation of a new benefits policy which included more time off and sick days, as well as my right to privacy and a change in my job responsibilities.
After discussing the memo with you at our last staff meeting, you all pretty much blew off my requests. In the meantime, I seem to have found myself on probation, once again. PROBATION?? Come on, I've been your employee for the last 5 years...well, for some of you, it's only been 2.5 years....but still....I think that's being a little unfair, don't you?
You asked me to re-think my strategy for making requests, telling me that I've obviously forgotten who the bosses are and where I stand in this company. However, I believe that as I've moved up in the ranks, I deserve more shares....more say in how this company is being operated. I'm 100% devoted to this family-owned company and I would like to believe that you would accept any ideas and suggestions for improvement, so that everyone can be happy and fulfilled.
I feel the need to explain my recent behaviors and provide some justification for my actions. Be patient with me as I plead my case....
1) As your employee, I understand one of my job responsibilities is to provide you all with healthy, well-rounded meals. It's a responsibility that I take very seriously. I realize that Bagel Bites are not the most healthiest meal that you could be eating; however, when paired with a side of fruit and a veggie, I see nothing wrong with it. So what if it's the 3rd time that week that you've eaten Bagel Bites? How can you NOT think this is a healthy meal....I even painstakingly took the extra time to slice up an entire cantoloupe for Miss Bella because she doesn't care for pineapple.
2) I apologize for being disrespectful when I laugh at something you did or something you said. I can't help it sometimes. Laughter is the best medicine, so they say. For instance, take that time that I had just told one of you that if you didn't clean up your "work area", that someone may get hurt. So when you screamed out loud "I don't care" and then turned around and tripped over the toy you left out in the work area, it was kinda funny. No, actually it was downright hysterical. I know it must be hard to admit when an employee is actually right so I do understand the embarrassment you must have felt right then. You have to admit....that's a fine example of karma right there.
3) I was not intentionally trying to be defiant when I hid the playdough and told you we had run out. I honestly thought we had run out of the stuff. Well, yeah only because I had hidden it so well but still....how was I supposed to know you all would be smart enough to grab a stepstool and start rummaging through the cabinets that are normally too high for you to reach? I clearly underestimated you all, which was yet again just another mistake I've made.
4) I can't help but feel strongly about teamwork. We ARE a team, after all, aren't we? You scratch my back, I scratch your back kind of a thing. When you all are feeling generous enough to help me clean the house, it would be nice if you'd pick up things that are left on the floor, even if you didn't put it there. How can we ever expect our company to be successful if we don't all work together? Oh and I didn't realize that my newly implemented break time coincided with clean-up time, which meant I wasn't present while you all were cleaning up. That was not done on purpose....it was an innocent mistake. Now, having said that, would you like to buy some swampland in Florida?
5) Perhaps I wasn't clear enough in my earlier memo when I stated that I would no longer be responsible for wiping the butts of those of you who are potty-trained. You know who you are. When I said that I would no longer be responsible for that job, I should have added that YOU are now responsible for wiping your own butts. I didn't realize that I actually had to spell that out for you. My mistake. In the end, all I did was cause more work for myself since it takes a tremendous amount of time sorting through the laundry to pick out all the dozen pair of underwear which are now stained with skidmarks. I was also beginning to have conversations with myself that went something like, "Now, how stained does a pair of underwear have to be to justify simply tossing it in the garbage as opposed to desperately trying to wash the skidmark out?" So please, for the love of God, wipe your own butts after going poop (or, as you all refer to it, dropping the kids off at the pool).
6) Lastly, when your father is substituting for me on the rare occasion that I am absent, it's not much of a break for me if you continuously page me with questions like, "I asked Daddy if I could have cereal for dinner and he told me I had to ask you" and "I don't want to take a bath tonight but Daddy said that's up to you". See, this is a strategy I call "making Mommy the bad guy"....something your father is guilty of doing all the time. He fails to understand that when he is filling in for me during my absence that HE is to make ALL the decisions...the hardest decisions all the way down to the simplest of decisions. He's perfectly capable of doing it....he has a brain, after all. Even if he does get his brain confused with a certain body part most of the time. Please pass the good word on to him.
Okay, I've said my peace....I do hope you will find it in your little hearts to forgive me and to understand why I have behaved the way I have. I also hope you know that, even with all my faults, I try my best to be the most wonderful employee the world has ever known. I am 100% committed to keeping our company afloat and helping it to be successful. After all, any employee who says "yeah, that sounds like fun" when her bosses want to make homemade noodles from scratch for dinner is more than dedicated....a little insane, even.
I hope you will take all the above into consideration in deciding whether or not to revoke my probation.
PS - I need tomorrow night off to go hang out with some girlfriends. I realize that you may still not have reached a decision about my probation but, at the same time, you all aren't exactly great about staying on time-outs. This is NOT rebelling...it's simply just getting even.