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Lately

Posted Sep 24 2013 9:59pm
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I finally got a much needed haircut yesterday. My hair was down to my waist and constantly pulled back into a braid or a bun and it was making me crazy. The stylist I went to gave me the best cut I've ever had in my entire life, which is saying a lot. She cut it in a way that it looks nice straight or curly and she really knew what she was doing. I'm already looking forward to going back to her.

It seriously trips me out what the human mind and hormones can do. Four months postpartum I was hit square in the face with a nasty case of postpartum anxiety that had a steel-grip on my mind for two months. I was convinced that something bad was going to happen. That I would be diagnosed with an incurable something and that I would leave my children behind. Or that my husband would be diagnosed and I'd be left husband-less to raise our children alone. Or that my children would and that's what crippled me the worst. It was a paralyzing anxiety.

I couldn't look forward to anything, I didn't want to be alone, I couldn't clear my mind of the fear. And then just as suddenly as it came on, it's starting to go away. I'm looking forward to things again, like house-hunting after the New Year. And having another baby in a few years (yes, despite the insane sleep deprivation, I still want more kids later on, which must surely mean I've lost my ever-loving mind, haha!). And doing my hair and make-up in the morning. And snuggling up under warm covers with my kids on cool Autumn nights. And as my mind gets back to normal, I think the postpartum hormones are starting to kick in because the hair loss is starting and my skin is doing funky things. I've never had acne except for in the postpartum period with each baby where I'll break out for a few weeks and then it goes away.

Postpartum hormones are no joke and I have a better understanding of it now. I feel for any mother whose gone through it. It's terrible. And the scariest part for me was how out of control I felt. There was nothing I could do to control it. And for a Type A control freak like me, that equals a recipe for disaster. All that to say, it feels good to feel like me again. Harrison is starting to sleep longer stretches, which means I'm sleeping more. When I'm well rested I feel like I can conquer the world. When I'm not, I basically suck at life. Last night was a good sleep night and I can't even begin to list the amount of stuff I got accomplished today. Yep, it definitely feels good to feel more back to normal.

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"I'm just protecting her from the wind." 

There is no in-between with these two. They are either best friends, playing nicely and getting along or screaming bloody murder at each other for God only knows what reason. If there's anything I can't stand it's whining and fighting and they sure know how to test my limits. I find myself getting frustrated, my blood beginning to boil until I burst and then I feel like an asshole after the fact for losing my cool. My husband reminds me often that I'm human and that what they and I are going through is all normal.
 photo e2e605d7-7569-4334-bb40-7d198dc3f437_zpsd2d97d14.jpg This boy...this bond...it's always what I miss the most once it's over. 
 photo 46557e9a-4216-46af-8757-c3286e352e92_zps4825adbf.jpg I love these moments. When he's tired and hungry and snuggles up as close as he can get and his eyes roll sleepily to the back of his head while he inhales, gulps, exhales, coos, inhales, gulps, exhales, sighs. 
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