Jenny’s Life Klass: What Not to Put on Your Facebook Status
Posted Aug 16 2012 6:09am
Welcome to Jenny’s Life Klass! I know you’ve been dying for more essential life instruction, so today, in lesson 4 we are discussing a BIGGIE: What Not to Put on Your Facebook Status.
Pay attention, people! This is important! I am going to save you from getting un-friended or unsubscribed to by people you went to junior high with. You cannot live without this information! So commit this to memory, or better yet, bookmark this post and read it immediately before you post a Facebook status. Every. Single. Time.
Here we go!
1) Do not use the acronym “LOL” in your status more than once. I’d prefer you not use it at all, but if you must, you are permitted only once and in ALL CAPS. Writing “lol” is totally stupid. Sorry, but “Lol I’m so hungover lol” just makes you sound DUMB. And also? Being hungover is no excuse for using “LOL” twice in one status!
2) Do not post motivational quotations at 3-minute intervals when you are trying to psych yourself up for something. While I am happy that you are working on overcoming a mental hurdle of some sort, I have just lost all respect for you because I am picturing you listening to Zig Ziglar on your iPod while rocking back and forth with your eyes squeezed shut repeating “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it! People LIKE me!” I’d like you a lot better if you kept the “if you believe it you can achieve it” gar-bage to yourself.
3) Do NOT brag about how much money you are making in your home-based business. If people with “regular” jobs (like Emily, for instance, or my husband – certainly not this girl!) posted photos of their paychecks or said how much money they were making, it would be deemed WHOLLY inappropriate. BECAUSE IT IS! I’m glad you’re happy, but…find another way to recruit. Or I will un-subscribe to your feed like it’s MY job.
4) Don’t get passive-aggressive with your ex. I know you’re not FB pals with them (scandal!) but someone he or she knows will read the status and tell them what it says. WHICH YOU KNOW, because that’s why you are doing it! Statuses that begin with “I don’t usually say things like this but…” shouldn’t be written! PERIOD. Work your custody issues with your baby daddy out in a less public forum.
And finally, and this one’s for Emily…
5) Don’t randomly Capitalize the words In your facebook Status lol lol lol. Random capitalization is the bane of Emily’s existence. You all are driving her c-c-c-craaazy and I need her sane! Plus, you look really, really stupid when your status reads: “Had such A Good day with The family went for a Picnic and Had some great Food.” After I read this, I’m not happy you had a good day with your family, I’m MAD that I had to read about it in a way that was so degrading to the English language.
Be a good JLK student, and get your FB act together! You can do it, and if you do, I’ll totally un-hide your posts and we can all live in FB harmony for like, ever. As long as we never have to see each other in real life.