Jenny’s Life Klass: What NOT to get your kid for Christmas, technology edition
Posted Dec 04 2013 12:59pm
Welcome to another holiday edition of Jenny’s Life Klass! Last year, I bossed you around and told you what NOT to get your kids for Christmas, and this year, I’m doin’ it again. (Last year STILL APPLIES in most cases! Better go re-read it!) But with a special emphasis on technology-based presents that YOU SHOULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BUY FOR YOUR KID! I know this might make some of you mad, but I have decided I can deal with that. I know you’re going to buy whatever you want for the Princes and Princesses you have spawned, but hopefully when you do, you’ll at least know that I am totally judging you. I hope that through this post I can at least put an attractively made-up version of myself on your shoulder as you enter the Walmartz and buy ALL THE INAPPROPRIATE THINGS. So let’s get to it!
Numero uno! The Fisher-Price Newborn-to-Toddler Apptivity™ seat for iPad® device
Uh, umm, uhhhhh…when I first saw this monstrosity I thought it was a joke. After I realized it was NOT a joke, I was rendered speechless. But lucky for you I found my voice! Fisher-Price, I love you, I do. I mean, I have ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE THINGS for my little guy. But really, could you NOT contribute to the zombiefication of our children? Infants and toddlers do NOT need to be strapped into a seat watching a screen! I don’t care if it’s playing Sesame Street, it’s totally unnecessary and WRONG. Little kids need in-ter-ac-tion with actual HUMANS in order to develop properly. So parents, please don’t go purchase this for little Bayleighlynne Arboretum or whatever you weirdos are naming your kids these days. Just because North West and Blue Ivy have one, it doesn’t make it right!!
Which leads me to…this…since Blue Ivy’s really old enough for this shame to humanity now:
Hey you know what would be awesome? If you could turn your kid’s brain to poop, WHILE HE POOPS! That would be totally BOSS! What, wait? Now you CAN turn your child’s developing brain into excrement while he deuces? Hallelujah! Hooray for technology! Little Chauncey (or whatever hispter name you gave your baby) no longer has to take time out of his busy Angry Birds Star Wars schedule to drop one in the pot. BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!
Side note: the warranty on this thing actually states that you can be reported to Child Protective Services just for buying it. Purchase at your own risk, knuckleheads! (Just kidding, it doesn’t say that. Don’t sue me. But seriously, quit making crap like this.)
And finally, and here’s where you all start to hate me, but it’s cool:
Guess what, y’all? This is a great gift for your teenager. It is the dumbest gift EVER for your six-year-old, or even nine-year-old. I know, I know, all your kids already have one. Sorry to poop on the party. If you are one of the few, the proud, the parents who don’t bestow expensive $250 electronics on their first-graders, CONGRATS! You get an A+! If you are on the fence: do me a favor and DON’T GO THERE. Your elementary school-aged child is *probably* not so into music that he or she needs a few hundred of his favorite songs in one place. And he or she DEFINITELY does not need a portable device with an internet connection. Hello, safety anyone? They don’t need a Facebook or an Instagram, either. And for the LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, 3rd graders do NOT need to Face Time with their friends!!
Yes, I realize these devices can be used for good purposes…I let my big kids use my iPad regularly. To play games, do math homework, study for spelling tests – absolutely. We used the HECK out of my iPad to help Sophie with her speech therapy and we will do so with Jonah when he is old enough.
(And for the record I will say iPads are better for kids, but I still think it’s wisest for the parent to be the owner. I know there are some kids who will make a great exception to this rule. None of these children are mine. They would destroy it if it were theirs.)
But using an iPod to message friends (or *eek* who knows who?) via Facebook, FaceTime, iMessage, or any other app available? Hay-ell no! It’s just not safe OR a good use of their time. Again, I am talking about elementary-age students.
Additionally, an iPod Touch is expensive and easy to lose or break. REALLY easy – and not cheap to replace. It’s too tiny and pricey for a small child to be responsible for. With the way Sophie treats the used Nintendo DS we got her on Craigslist, I SHUDDER to think of what she’d do to an iPod Touch.
So there ya go people, don’t buy your babies and primary school kids digital toys this Christmas…buy them ACTUAL TOYS.
Or I will personally send Rudolph to take a dump in your stocking!