Jenny’s Life Klass: What NOT to buy your kid for Christmas
Posted Nov 29 2012 4:46am
Oh hello there! Welcome to the next installment of It’s been way too long since I’ve written one of these instructional gems, and I imagine your lives are all going to hell in a handbasket because of it. I’m SO sorry! Let me help you get back on track just in time for the holidays with this can’t-miss list of things to NOT buy your kid for Christmas. I repeat, DO NOT BUY THIS CRAP. Even if little Honest’I and Hashtag (dudes, someone named their kid HASHTAG this week!) are dyyyiinnng to have it! This is not advertorial! Maybe there’s no such thing as bad press, but I’m tryyyying here. This stuff sucks. So, let’s get started!
1) LOL Elmo - I think I’ve made it pretty clear how I feel about the over-use of the phrase “LOL”. Well here’s a prime example. My own kids love and have loved Elmo, but I’d never buy them one that looks (and probably sounds) like he’s having a constant seizure. OR TELLS JOKES. This thing tells jokes! Who wants to hear Elmo tell the same three jokes overandoverandoverandover again? Let me think about it….NO ONE! Have mercy, people. Don’t. Buy. It.
2) Bratz Bratzillaz dolls - Great news, parents! Now there’s a doll that teaches your kid that being slutty is cool, and witchcraft is cooler! It’s like the worst Halloween costume, ever – IN A DOLL! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! But don’t take my word for it! The official product description says, “Glam gets wicked with Bratzillaz. These Bratz are the only fashion dolls that help girls achieve their dreams with special witch powers, wicked glam fashions and adorable mischievous pets.”
Really? If you want your darling daughter to become Sabrina the Teenage Whoretch, buy ‘em all!
3) Furby – Or as I like to call it, WTFurby? I am going to have NIGHTMARES just from looking at this picture! For the record, parents, you should never, ever, EVER buy anything for your child that comes with these instructions: “Pet ____’s head, tickle its tummy or pull its tail and see what happens” !!? Um, uh…the possible scenarios are giving me an anxiety attack. Don’t let the Furby EAT YOUR BABY!
4) One Direction What Makes You Beautiful Doll - Umm, isn’t the name of this doll ironic? OHMAHGAH!!! Please don’t make me explain why you should not buy this creepy, scary, creepariffic, frightening, scary McGary, icky, robot-like boy band doll for your child. Please. Just know that every time one of these dolls is sold, an African village is burned to the ground. All right, that is probably not true, BUT…bad things will happen if you welcome this thing into your home. EEEEEEEK!
5) Power Wheels Escalade - I’m not gonna lie to you, people. If you buy your 3-year-old a $500 Cadillac SUV for a “toy”, you will go straight to hell.
Allright my friends, that’s the list! Don’t worry, if you’ve screwed up and purchased any of these stinkbombs, there’s still plenty of time to return them! As a matter of fact, your homework is to return them if you’ve already bought one. And if you haven’t committed such an act of treachery, your homework is to go buy something that doesn’t suck and isn’t a colossal waste of money. Do that and you will earn an A+++! Give to a charity in your child’s name instead of buying a WTFurby?!? and you will get extra credit!