Hello and welcome to lesson 2 of Jenny’s Life Klass. In this lesson I will be telling you how to DRIVE A CAR in a manner which will not only keep you and your passengers and fellow road-mates safe but will also keep you from pissing me off. So, why don’t you jump over to the passenger seat and get cozy while I drive for a bit. Don’t worry, I passed my driver’s test on the THIRD try, so you’re in good hands! And though I do have that stain on my record, I haven’t had any collisions since I hit a parked car backing out of my future in-laws’ driveway in 1997. And it wasn’t even MOVING. And the only reason I hit it is because I totally didn’t look in my rearview mirror, like, AT ALL when I was backing out. So. Lesson learned. Fifteen years of keeping my car to myself since then and now I’m ready to be the backseat driver for everyone in the entire world.
So, listen up! Here are my basic tenets for successful car-driving:
1) Use your turn signal. Listen, I know it’s a real strain on your wrist to flick that little signal switch up or down, but I promise you, exerting yourself is worth the effort here. Because although I am brilliant (and attractive), I am not clairvoyant and if you are driving down the road in my vicinity, I can’t read your $#!@ mind. So do me a favor and SIGNAL which way you’re going, mmkay? Especially if you are going to cut me off. Which reminds me…
2) DO NOT CUT ME OFF. Again, I realize you are super-important and are probably like, a news anchor or neurosurgeon or something, but me & my kids still need to get to Sonic for happy hour in one piece. Soooo, please don’t swerve over in my lane in front of my super bad-ass Sienna (because it is kind of a tank and it WILL crunch your Miata) unless you are giving me plenty of room to brake, THX.
3) Drive the speed limit. Not less. I can’t advocate speeding but I CAN advocate going a MINIMUM of the posted speed limit. When you go 30 MPH in a 35, you take YEARS off my life, and cause my irrational anger issues to vault to the surface. Again, I gotsta get to Sonic before 5pm to get my half-off Vanilla Coke, so MOVE IT!! Priorities, Grandma. (Yes, I am talking to you in the BUICK.)
4) Don’t pass me, get in front of me, and then go slower than me. Or I. WILL. CUT YOU. (Don’t make me!)
5) Hit the gas when the light turns green! Much to my father’s chagrin (hi dad!) I am always in a hurry. And when the light turns green, I GO. I think you should too! Don’t wait three or five or ten seconds just to make SURE that the light is actually green. Green is actually QUITE different from red and if you need to verify that with a double-take, you probably shouldn’t be driving. And also? If you get a green ARROW to turn left on, PUT THE PEDAL to the FLOOR! Green arrows are quick little suckers and if you hesitate, then I might not make it through that intersection in time. And as I’ve previously mentioned, I’ve got places to be. There is no moseying through a green arrow. GO!!
What do you think, should I open up my own driving school?
Go forth and practice these points! Your Life Klass homework is to not be a crappy driver. I hope you all get an A+ or stay the heck away from me when I’m on my way to Sonic. Either way.
For extra credit, what points would you add to make this lesson of Jenny’s Life Klass even more comprehensive?