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Jenny’s Life Klass: How NOT to shop for groceries

Posted May 20 2013 8:14am

Hola amigos! It’s Monday, I can think of NO better way to start the week of right than attending a Jenny’s Life Klass. Today I am going to cover one of the basic functions that every human needs to master in order to be a functioning member of society: grocery shopping. Just to be super-clear, I am going to tell you how TO grocery shop by telling you how NOT to grocery shop. Are we crystal? Good! Now grab your cart (I call dibs on the one that actually steers straight) and let’s get shopping!

In order to make this a truly comprehensive Klass, I’m going to start at the very beginning of each grocery trip. The parking lot.

1) Do NOT drive around for 10 minutes looking for a front-row parking space. Grocery store parking lots are like an extremely dangerous Tetris game. And they’re ALWAYS crowded. So just find the nearest open space and PARK. I don’t want to get stuck following you while you circle the lot at 3 MPH for the 33rd time, or while you wait stopped with your blinker on for 10 minutes for an octogenarian in a Buick to put her groceries away, start her car, and leave. JUST PARK so that I can also just park! But do NOT park in a handicapped space unless you have a permit. Or the bottom will drop out of that cement slab like a cartoon trap door and you will be sucked straight into the lake of fire. Sheesh.

I hate that I have to write this next point, but sadly, people of Kroger, you have proved to me time and time again that I MUST.

2) Do NOT walk down the middle of the parking lot aisles as you make your way into the store. You guys, FOR REAL. Stick to the right or to the left. (If you’re having trouble remembering which is which, make an L with your pointer finger and thumb on your left hand. Got it? Good job! Go get a sticker!) And for goodness sake, if you have a child or children with you, HOLD THEIR hands! And lastly (sorry this is multi-level instruction, good thing it’s in writing so you can review it before you shop), PUT THE PEDAL TO THE METAL. The grocery store parking lot is no place for meandering. SO HUSTLE!

Now that you’ve made it safely inside…

3) Do NOT push your cart without purpose. Much like the parking lot, the grocery store aisles are no place for meandering. Ain’t nobody got time for your dilly-dallying! Get what you need and get OUT OF MY WAY! Also, since your cart doesn’t have brake lights on it, no sudden stops! The front of my cart does not want to give you a rectal exam,  but that could totally happen if you don’t look before you brake.

4) Don’t. Block. The. Aisle. Look, I totally get that you need to compare the price per ounce on store brand peanut butter and name brand peanut butter – who do you think you’re talking to? I see price-per-ounce stickers in my sleep. But you can do it with your cart tucked neatly to one side of the aisle (see #2) and your body as close to the product as possible. I know it’s fun to stand in the middle of the aisle with your hands on your hips, bent over so your nose is touching the peanut butter and your rear end is touching the pancake mix across the aisle. So freeing! Such a good stretch! BUT SAVE THAT CRAP FOR YOGA CLASS AND GET OUTTA MY WAY!

5) Do NOT organize your coupons IN the checkout line. Look, I am going to go easy on you here. I’m not even asking you to be a good citizen and get your coupons together before you enter the store. I’m a coupon lady, I know you need to make some adjustments to your pile o’ coupons before you get to the register. So pull your cart over in an empty aisle (wine or deli works well for me) and get your savings squared away BEFORE you hold up the checkout line. If you wait until the cashier has rung everything up and then take an extra five minutes to pull wadded coupons out of the pockets of your Gloria Vanderbilt pleated jeans while my toddler tries to get out of the cart seat belt, I will follow you home and place a flaming back of poo on your porch under cover of darkness. COUNT ON IT.

And finally, people.

6) Do NOT go grocery shopping unless you are fully-dressed in clothes that one wears DURING THE DAYTIME. Pajama pants are not ok. Yeah, I live in the hood, SO WHAT? I always turn up to the Kroghetto fully dressed in clothing that one does not wear to go swimming or night-night, and I expect the same of you. My Kroghetto even has a sign on the front door to help you out: “A bikini top does not count as a shirt.” THANK YOU, Kroghetto! You are a true retail citizen of the world. At least you were, until  you let this lady in the other day:

kroghetto shopper

Yes, I DID take a picture of my fellow shopper, and yes, I am a horrible person BUT I CAN’T UN-SEE THAT!!!! And apparently some people need examples of what is and is NOT appropriate to wear to the grocery. It looked as if she was wearing NO pants at first, although I’m not entirely sure that pink fabric we see is not her underwear. Because really how could her undies be any smaller? I mean, for the love! What if my big kids had been with me? I can hear Sophie yelling at the top of her lungs, “MOMMY WHY ISN’T THAT WOMAN WEARING PANTS?” I don’t have an answer for that. I’m not even going to mention the towel on her head BECAUSE SHE’S NOT WEARING PANTS!

People. I beg you. Wear daytime clothes to the store. Ones that cover you up. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Well, my pretty pupils, I thin that about covers it. Unless you have some more gems to add to the list. EXTRA CREDIT for leaving your grocery store no-nos in the comments!

Your Life Klass assignment? Go shopping. Drive car and cart properly. Watch out for others. Wear clothes. You can do it!!

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