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Its Christmas. Does that mean I have to go to church?

Posted Dec 19 2009 8:25pm
Here’s the thing.  Me and church?  We’ve not been on speaking terms for awhile.  Before that, Mike was taking the girls for awhile.  And before that while, I was taking them periodically.  And before that, nobody was taking them.  And we’ve come full circle.  In case you got lost, that means nobody is taking them (to say nothing for who’s taking me).

I’ve always been the “nose to the grind”, “put your shoulder into it”, “anything you put your mind to” girl.  My life’s unspoken philosophy has always been “Of course I can!  It just might take me a while to learn.”  And I don’t mean that I live that way when it comes to cooking a turkey.  I live/d that way when it comes to gluten free cooking, child-rearing, child-birthing for that matter, typing, coding, designing, laughing, etc.  But the biggest one by far is religion.

Religion is, has been, and will always be, a part of me.   God is out there, always has been since I was a tot.  Never believed in Santa Claus or Tooth Fairy, but always God.  It still seems to me that any thinking person can’t deny the existence of an order of some sort bigger than we are.  But, this is the question for most of us I think, Is this supernatural order-of-the-universe a sentient being?  An all-powerful being?  And even if I give to that one and believe ‘he’ is out there somewhere, does that make me want to WORSHIP him?  “Hell, no!” comes to mind, as ironic as that is.   But – there’s always a ‘but’ – I still want my children to have the happy – world is pink – belief that I did.  I want them to have a confidence, a belief, that I no longer possess.  You know why?  That belief – that faith – in something - gave me a confidence, a security – hope. And I would rather my children live in a fairy tale land of good and evil (good winning- naturally) than the harsh reality I live in.

Now, in case you’re worried that I’m in some sort of crisis, this position I find myself in – took a long time to settle.  I’ve been in wishy-washy land for years. Not going to church, not praying, still holding onto a hope that I’d some how wake up from this grumpy state of mind.  I have started and stopped this post hundreds of times.

THIS IS ME!  This is what I want to say!!  I’ve always lived my life that way.  Even in the throes of depression, I was writing out my thoughts and heart.  And for years, I’ve been struggling to keep this silent.  Why?  I can’t decide if it is disapproval from without or within; probably both.  Unfortunately, once you know God, there isn’t any unknowing.  This is something I think about every. single. day.  I did say earlier that I was a black or white kind of girl.  And here again, I find myself either Christian, or Not.  Is there a 50%?  A grey area?  An area of redemption with a little bit of pissed-off-edness?  I’ll take that, please.

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