This is one you guys are gonna judge me for. Go ahead, I probably deserve it. But just remember that I am trying REALLY HARD to be a good parent in all the big ways, and I hope you’ll categorize this into the “minor infractions that won’t screw the kids up forever” category.
Let me just tell you what happened.
(Also if you know Sophie and know the difficulty that she has CONTROLLING THE VOLUME OF HER VOICE when she gets excited, you might have an extra-long chuckle.)
The other night I was assisting Sophie with her shower – I still wash her masses of hair for her, mostly because I want it to actually GET CLEAN. But anyway. As she was washing herself, she mentioned the parts she was washing, and I said to myself, in the condescending voice-inside-my-brain way, “Holy crap, I don’t think Sophie knows the proper names for her private parts, and that is totally my fault.” So, I said out loud to Sophie in my I’m-your-mother-and-I’m-gonna-tell-you-something-new-voice, “Sophie do you know what the real name of your pee-pee is? What it’s really called?”
“No. What?” she said innocently.
“It’s called a vag*na.” I said matter-of-factly.
“A Va-JIE-NUH??” she YELLED AS LOUD AS SHE COULD, I guess from shock, because, well, it is kind of a weird word.
“Yes, I said, “that’s a funny word, isn’t it? But that’s what it’s called.”
Then I decided I might as well go one step further, I mean, it was either that or wait another seven years, so…
“And do you know what a boy’s private parts are called?”
“No. What?!” (She was definitely excited to hear if this new word would be as ridiculous as Va-JIE-NUH.)
“It’s called a pen*s.”
“A PEE-NISS?” (Followed by hysterical laughter.)
“THAT SOUNDS LIKE PEANUTS!”
“Yes, well, yes, it does.” (Trying to control my own laughter.)
Then I explained to her that I didn’t want her to tell all her friends on the playground tomorrow about this new and exciting information and that we should just talk about this at home.
She told me she understood, and was quiet for a moment. But as I was wrapping a big, fluffy bath towel around her wet shoulders, she started giggling uncontrollably again.
“PEE-NIS!!!” she said. “It’s CRACKING ME UP!”
“It is a pretty funny word.” I acknowledged.
I can’t wait for our next game of Mad Libs! I am sure it will be bloggable.
You may start writing the text for my Mother of the Year Award speech below.