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Interview with Cindy Lu, author of The Four Man Plan

Posted Sep 07 2008 2:17am
I read dozens of books a month. I read for work and for pleasure. I read to entertain myself, to escape and to educate myself or to distract me from reality.I read The Four Man Plan at a time in my life when I felt comfortable. I had finalized my divorce, I had been getting to know a man who was quite special to me and I read the book from an outside perspective. I had no idea at the time where I would be in twelve months or further down the road.



Here I sit, after having interviewed Cindy Lu and received her brutally honest insight into the history of my relationships and where I will be after following The Four Man Plan. This book will be around for a long time to come. I say this because I feel that women of all ages will find it useful and most likely, need to pick up the book time and again after not-so-successful results due to the experimental nature of dating.

I'm bringing up this book again because I feel that single parents are missing out on the opportunity to find love because we are so focused on our children and managing our schedules and energy that we tend to believe that our relationship with our child or children is enough.

Cindy helped me realize that this is exactly the case for me. After our on line chat, I've realized that many of the points in the book need to be tattooed to my forehead, like:
Believing that your future love is"out there somewhere and will find me someday!" is about as practical as believing that about your lunch or your next paycheck.
If women decide as a gender that we deserve to be treated with honor and respect, then men will react accordingly and rise up as a gender to meet our requirements.
No one man is responsible for your happiness. That is a solo project. The happier you are with yourself, the better the partner you will be adding to your life.
Cindy seems to have grown up with the same ideas about love and boys (and men) as I did. Just like me, Cindy daydreamed about Ponch and Chaci and wanted to find someone just like her dad (if only to change him, make him fall in love with her, and stay with her forever).

Using several theories to create The Four Man Plan, Cindy compares the plan to a round of golf: " Each player, or in the case of The 4MP, each Plan Man, is on the course simultaneously, doing his individual best. Every once in a while, a glance at the leader board or a roar from a distant crowd lets them know they better step up their game. This is a gentleman's game of finesse and self-regulation, not a contact sport."

Be sure to head to the FourManPlan and visit the FOURum often to chat with Cindy and other 4MPlanners. If you're interested in what Cindy had to say during our on line discussion, keep reading:

cindylu

Hi!!

Hip_M0M

Let's get this interview started!

cindylu

Fire away!

Hip_M0M

since I first mentioned your book on my blog, I've received

several email messages, from men (who are married) and single

parents who want to incorporate this Plan into their lives.

Is that even possible, in your experience?

cindylu

Single parents definitely, married men, not so much,

that's exactly the kind of behavior we're trying to AVOID.

cindylu

But, I do like the idea of reframing our minds around

the fact that our partners cannot be EVERYTHING to us.

Hip_M0M

Alright. Let's focus on catering the Plan to single

parents (women in particular).

cindylu

Yes, let's focus on our single moms!

Hip_M0M

Youve mentioned before that it's important for single moms

to set aside a quarter of their time for their children.

Is it just as important to set aside another quarter for

herself?

cindylu

Oh, I think more than a quarter! I think the Mantris Graph

is its own kind of "vision board."

cindylu

So for my single moms, they block off a WHOLE space,

for their kids and themselves.

cindylu

I even have busy career women block off spaces, too.

Whatever you need.

Hip_M0M

What would you suggest as far as getting started

and including my intentions in the graph?

cindylu

Ok, let's talk about you!

cindylu

My first question is, what is it that you want? To get

married again? To stay single? To have a monogamous

relationship?

Hip_M0M

I would love to have a man in my life, eventually, who

would be a life partner and who would want to bring

a child into the world. I have a son and would like to

have at least one more. I have plenty of time. I'm in no

hurry.

cindylu

So, Hip_M0M. Here's what I've got for you.

cindylu

If you were to fill in a Mantris Graph, which I

suggest you do, as I suggest all my 4MPlanners do...

cindylu

Put your ex-hubby in the box with your son. He's

now a part of your "family" but no longer a

relationship potential, yes?

Hip_M0M

Definitely no romantic feelings there or potential for

reconciliation.

cindylu

So you have a 2 1/4, your booty call guy.

cindylu

You have a Quarter Guy in your long distance Man.

cindylu

So what to do with your free Half Man?

Hip_M0M

Good question. I'd like someone who I can run with,

catch a movie with, and enjoy a good conversation

or dinner.

Hip_M0M

A "date" guy!

cindylu

You haven't experienced a true teammate yet, I'm

guessing.

Hip_M0M

Nope.

cindylu

So, you are working on a puzzle without the box on

the cover.

cindylu

You have to rewire yourself, date by date,

experience by experience.

cindylu

Women, people, run from themselves when they

cannot accept love.

cindylu

Worrying about hurting another's feelings is

always a cover for something else.

cindylu

I would guess that for you it's that you have a

hard time speaking your truth and getting reactions

from it.

cindylu

The Four Man Plan will help you practice

having the "hard conversations."

cindylu

Which they say, the person that is most successful

is the one most comfortable having difficult

conversations....

cindylu

That takes practice!

cindylu

It's just that now you must see each man as a teacher.

It's great to work with people you already know,

already have a pattern with and try to shift it.

cindylu

It gives you the affirmations that you need as you

try to move through the world in a completely

different way but with the same people.

cindylu

It's about UNSUCKING at love!

cindylu

If you do the Plan, stuff comes up week by week,

and you see the evidence right in front of your face,

which takes it out of the theorizing mind and into the

real world.

cindylu

These are the kinds of beliefs that will slowly or

suddenly shift!

cindylu

You have to decide what you want to change and

then lay the bricks.

cindylu

It's work, but that's the fun we have on the 4MP.

cindylu

You want a match!

cindylu

You want a hero!

cindylu

You deserve it!

Hip_M0M

So, where do I find this guy? I know hes out there.

cindylu

He's out there, for sure.

cindylu

You're just turning over the wrong rocks.

cindylu

Your hoo-ha has bad taste!

cindylu

You wouldn't let your kid eat McDonalds every day,

even though he likes it!

cindylu

We often say in the Forum to be a better parent to

yourself.

cindylu

I know there are things you let yourself do that you

know are bad for you that you would tell your son,

absolutely NOT!

Hip_M0M

Yes, I need to be more disciplined with my relationship,

that’s for sure.

cindylu

That's why we use the structure. It helps!

Hip_M0M

So, many of my readers are not familiar with your book

or will want to know how to get started.

cindylu

The easiest way of course, is for them to get the book.

Hip_M0M

And for women who are convinced that they have no

time to date one man, let alone four, what do you tell

them?

cindylu

Most women spend time OBSESSING about one man.

cindylu

Dating four and having your wits about you and a

tried and true system actually saves you time.

cindylu

It's the chaos that takes up time.

cindylu

But of course, every woman does the Plan at her

own pace.

cindylu

"Four" men is really just a metaphor for NOT

one man, so that women can discover the patterns

are within THEM, not the man they are focused on

changing.

cindylu

The 4MPlan is a way for women to make themselves

the "project." And then at some point along the

way, when they discover that they love themselves

first, the Right Man, a Hero Man, steps into the picture.

Hip_M0M

So how did you come up with this Plan? What was your

dating experience like before the Plan?

cindylu

Well, all that's in the book. But I truly SUCKED at love,

and it was a ride that I wanted to get off of.

cindylu

I realized that I needed to "parent" myself somehow,

discipline my hoo-ha.

cindylu

So I created a system based on the best advice I'd

ever gotten but couldn't follow.

cindylu

I needed it to be a system so that when my resistance

came up, I still knew what I needed to do.

Hip_M0M

so what was the best advice you received that you never

followed?

cindylu

The biggest one was what became the Wait For Sex

Index.

Hip_M0M

Thats where you say,The more time you spend with a

man without having sex, the more you will intrigue him,

the greater potential he will see in you, and the more he

will do to get himself into the end zone.

cindylu

Basically, a woman once shook me by the shoulders

after I had been treated badly AGAIN and said,

"Don't you know? A man will only be as nice to you

as he needed to be to sleep with you the first time?"

cindylu

It took me 5 years more of "practice" and gathering

data before I finally GOT it.

cindylu

When it's all laid out in front of you, and you

do it like an experiment, it becomes undeniable.

cindylu

That's why the plan works. First the lesson, then the

proof.

Hip_M0M

Last question: with your husband - how long did you

know him before having sex with him?

cindylu

I knew him for 5 months. But we weren't dating for

4 of those...

cindylu

I lucked into it!

Hip_M0M

Amazing. Congratulations!

cindylu

Thanks so much for your time and openness.

Hip_M0M

Thank YOU!

cindylu

You seem like the perfect 4MPlanner: honest, loving

and willing.

cindylu

Join us in the Forum! You can pick a secret super

hero name to keep it anonymous if you want!

cindylu

it will be our little secret!

cindylu

love to you and your boy.

cindylu

xxoxo

Hip_M0M

Alright, Cindy. Thanks so much for your time, advice &

inspiration.

Yes, Cindy did tell me that my hoo-ha has bad taste. She also told me that I need to be a better parent to myself. She's got great advice for every woman that will help change their perspectives on dating and the way they see themselves. We all deserve true love and happiness so I encourage every woman who thinks she sucks at love to check out The Four Man Plan and join this new Dating Revolution.

Happy Healthy Hip ParentingPeace Begins in the Home
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