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Insomnia & Anxiety: There was a time

Posted Aug 04 2009 6:16pm

There was a time when sleep was elusive. I wanted it, hoped for it, and yet it hid from me. A game of hide and seek I didn't want to play.

Night after night I hoped for the darkness to take over my racing thoughts and mind, and instead it was as though the brightest light shone inside my head causing me to toss and turn, kick my antsy legs, and flail my arms this way and that.

The days became difficult and challenging, the nights were something I feared.

Beware, he said, this could mean it's coming back.

It was something I didn't want to experience again.

There was this pill and that pill, both the same yet different. Both working in it's own unique way. They masked the problem, but the it was still looming. And one of the side effects, the best friend of my youth, began taunting me.

The it I had hoped to never experience again.

The decisions came upon each sunset, should I risk it for sleep? Oh, how I wanted sleep. I took the pill.

The endless nights lacking lucious sleep, the tossing and turning, the wanting and not having, the inability to do what everybody else can do so easily....

In just a matter of time, he was right. Only this time the experience was far worse and frighteningly unfamilar.

My mind gave in, not being able to take a second more. Not strong enough. Not well enough.

Another pill. Another month. Another hope of rest dashed.

Another pill. Another prayer or a thousand. And slowly....a glimmer.

Hope in the little things.

Hope in just one night of falling asleep on my own. Hope in being able to shower and get dressed. Hope in a laugh escaping from my lips. Hope in an hour of feeling like me. Hope, that even though, in just this one moment I am ok, that maybe the next time will be twice as long.

Here I am again, playing that game now two years later. Two years of healing, two years of living on hope and prayers and a little white pill.

And sleep is playing it's clever little game with me. I know now, this is where it begins. But this is Round 2.

First Round you almost had me. I had no knowledge, no power, no hope.

But I was not defeated then and I will not be now. My thousand prayers, my pill, and my knowledge are with me ever so close this time around. I come guarded, yet not afraid.

Or in other words...

Insomnia sucks, but not more than anxiety. And yet the two are best friends, loving to pull one along with the other.

{You know how I like to keep Mondays light and happy. It makes the rest of my weeks blogs seem even more witty and funny!}

© 2009 "Le Musings of Moi"
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